little things*

nagging things. like my mom not feeling well yesterday... after a month and half off of chemo. could be she just ate something funny (she did have half of her digestive tract rearranged less than a year ago)... or it could be something more foreboding.

or like my job. it's not too bad, but it's also not too good. i don't feel like i have the energy or inclination to work hard at something new, but i'm also bored beyond tears with what i'm doing now. i know i'm on the wrong track, but i don't know what the right track is. so far the townhouse development i'm supposed to be helping with has maintained the breathless pace of molasses.

oh, and then there's the apartment search... remember how we were going to move to brooklyn? yeah... so far, we've looked at a lot of places. but buying? buying doesn't seem to be happening. so every weekend i either go out to look at open houses or i feel guilty that i haven't... either way the result seems to be the same.

yeah... and everyone seems to be pregnant today. something about beautiful weather and the upper west side seems to attract the uber-fertile and their bugaboos. i also made the mistake of meeting a friend at le pain quotidien... that place is like the fertile woman's sorority house. i think i saw 3 pregnant ladies and 2 newborns in the brief hour we were there.

*i had actually planned to post this on my other blog, but i just couldn't get myself to hit "publish post" without including the part about being peeved about all of the preggos in this city. and i'm just not ready to have all my friends ask me about the baby-making business.

es geht mir nicht so gut

yup. another period. at least there wasn't much of a rollercoaster this time... mostly because i was on vacation with my family and therefore didn't have the time to think about (or anyone to talk to about with) the dreaded tww. also because my niece had a bit of a fever at the beginning of our trip, so i lent my bbt to them... which i have yet to get back. it's bad enough that they flaunt their fertility in front of me, now they're hijacking my baby-makin' thermometer... kidding, kidding. it has actually brought me one good thing. i think from now on, i might just dump the thermometer after i've confirmed ovulation. nothing good seems to come from keeping track.

so now we head into month 11. even though i'm not technically infertile yet, i feel like i'm as good as there. we've definitely timed our dancing pretty well at least half of those months. of course, as my darling mil states, being infertile doesn't mean that we definitely won't get pg naturally... it just means that it's gonna be dang hard (and dang long)... if it happens at all. i still need to find a way to gently nudge him to make an appointment for semen analysis. he's super busy, and i know he doesn't really want to think about this stuff, but i'd like to start figuring out what the heck is wrong... so maybe we can do something about it. i'm really not fond of the jealous wannabemom i've become. i have started glaring at the bulging bellies of the pregnant ladies in my building, and even being with my niece is a little painful. super fun, but, you know, it still hurts... being the aunt and not the mom. i think i might even be avoiding one of my good friends because she's pregnant with her second. i was so much more excited for her the first time around... long before we began our own attempts at parenthood. i want to be that way again. i've always been so happy with my life... and i am. i just don't know how to deal with all of these ugly feelings.

middle ages

thank you for all of the great thoughts/suggestions regarding next steps. i seem to be in that hazy place between fertility and "infertility." (is it just me or does the term "infertility" just totally suck? from the various message boards i've read, many -- perhaps even the majority -- of technically "infertile" women go on to produce biological offspring, so aren't they really fertile...? maybe i'm splitting hairs here, but wouldn't reproductively-challenged -- we could call it r.c. for short -- be more appropriate?) anyway, i'm trudging through month 10 at this point and while, heck, i could get pregnant this month... i'm just having a hard time believing it will ever happen to me... at least without some medical assistance (or way more patience than i really have).

i'm going to see if i can convince mil to get the old s.a. (fun, fun). but if what you say is true, i think he will survive. i even found out that my insurance provider covers it so long as the clinic is part of their group, so my money-pinching can no longer be used as an excuse. and once that appointment is made, i'll check-in with my o.b. about doing my first round of blood tests. i don't know if there's a specific time in my cycle that i'm supposed to go, but i guess i'll call and find out.

i haven't been good about posting lately, but after i get back from germany -- oh, yes, didn't i tell you...? i'm heading off to germany with my family (sans studying mil) for a week. should be fun! anyway, after all that, i'm going to try to get back into the blogging groove.

cbefm

i've learned what this means... clear blue easy fertility monitor. that's what i'm using. it's sort of like a video game with hormones! yay! your goal is to ovulate! but in order to do so, you must have plenty of estrogen and plenty of luteinizing hormone. and in order to win the game you also have to have a lot of sex! let's hope his boys are healthy, mobile, and plentiful! 'cause if they're not, "game over" and you have to start from scratch next month.

so far, i've made it past my "peak"... i think. see, i've had times where my luteinizing hormone stays elevated for daayyss. i don't know what that means, but it makes me wonder if my brilliantly expensive cbefm knows what it's doing. i sure hope so since mil and i have been bd'ing like jackrabbits. i haven't had a real temp spike though, so who knows...

i'm also trying to visualize a fertile uterus (and fertile ovaries, fallopian tubes, and eggies). i figure you can't put too many "eggs" in one basket. next month i might take to lighting candles and chanting to the goddess.

in terms of introducing western medicine into our bedroom, i've still got cold feet. i'm hesitant to ask mil to run off to some clinic to shoot his wad before med school class. he's so busy and so stressed, i don't want to add to it... it's bad enough that i'm begging him for bd every time i see him. i'm also cheap and semen analysis is kind of pricy -- though nothing compared to all the other stuff i will have to do. i've yet to call our health insurance company to find out what if anything they cover for various fertility-related tests. i'm afraid it will shock me into another year of trying the natural way.

anyone been this way before? advice would be wonderful...

rollercoaster

well, don't let anyone tell you that this trying to conceive thing ain't a wild ride... i'm sure even if you get pregnant your first month of trying it's a wild ride. not that i'd know what that was like. it's a very different ride when your in month 9 (or 10 depending on how you count it) of ttc. every month seems like a very hot, crowded trip to the amusement park with an onion and chili hot dog thrown in just to keep things interesting. and i'm sure the veterans of infertility probably look at my own journey (thus far) and laugh at my innocence. so far i just have my own hormones to contend with... no shots or pills to make the stomach-lurching drops that much more exciting.

this month was no exception. of course the first two weeks are just like the long-line to the newest, fastest, baddest rollercoaster in the park. it's hot, it's long, you never expected to be surrounded by so many pimply-faced teenagers... (ok, maybe not that last part). there's the anticipation... the excitement... the fear that it may not be all it's stacked up to be... or that you'll flake out at the last minute. ultimately, no one goes to the amusement park for the line. they go for the ride. and just like the coaster, the first drop is always the best. except on this coaster, you get to have a lot of sex... and i mean, a lot. at first it's fun... the bumps, the twirls, the highs, the sighs..., but by the third or fourth baby-making session of the week, you're really ready for the ride to end. of course the temperature spike means the fun has only begun. every day your nerves start to fray a little further... (a friend reports she's just gotten pregnant with her second... and she wasn't even trying!) more than a week into it, your going to sleep early just so you can wake up and take your temperature. mysterious symptoms seem to emerge. tingling in your breasts, a nauseous, hungry feeling pursuing you all day, not to mention how you think you're smelling things you've never smelled before. a few days later your temperature takes a nosedive. (i didn't even see that drop coming!) you admit defeat. the ride must be over... and i was just starting to enjoy it. but wait, tomorrow your temperature's higher. and higher still the next day. what's this? my period's late? (oh, my, i never knew the ride went so high! i can see the ocean from here!) click... click... oh, sh*t! it's another drop! i think i lost that nasty hot dog i was eating before... and next thing you know you're back on line again.

i've seen this before...

the inevitable slippery slope of basal body temperatures. only two days ago, my heart skipped a beat when i saw 98.41 on my bbt. that was the highest it had ever been. i knew not to get my hopes up, but up they were nonetheless. i started envisioning when i'd tell my friends... how i'd tell my parents... whenever i did, i would remind myself that a high temp at 10 days past ovulation says nothing about what your temp will be at day 14.

when my temp dipped to 97.92 yesterday, i knew i was on a precipice... it could go back up from there or back down toward period-land temps. i chilled out a little, started realizing that life still probably has a few tricks up its sleeve. sure enough today it was 97.72... a good .7 drop from two days before. i've since ordered my ultra-expensive fertility monitor.... see i've still got a few tricks up my sleeve, too.

waiting

i've discovered something that makes the two week wait seem like a cakewalk... waiting to hear back about my mom's test results. i've been on edge since 11am this morning, and i can feel my heart beating out of my chest. i don't know how i'm supposed to work. my mom is having blood tests and pet scans done to see whether her chemo is still effectively eating away at her tumors. the results will either allow us a brief sigh of relief or will make us worry all the more. it doesn't help that this is happening during the two week wait -- it feels like it must be the slowest 4.5 hours of my life... ok, maybe second to the time spent waiting while my mom was in surgery, but that was 7.5 hours. i really hope they call soon. i don't know how much more of this my heart can take.

why does it have to hurt so bad

ugh... i know what i'm supposed to feel, but it doesn't seem to help. i just found out that my sister-in-law is pregnant again. i know i should be happy for them, but instead i'm just pissed. i shouldn't be pissed at them -- they didn't know that we've been trying for almost 9 months -- and it's not their fault that they're uber-fertile. it just seems so un-freaking-fair! and, yes, i know life's not fair, and i don't know why this just seems so personal, but it is. it feels like mother nature is slapping me in my face... look, your tall, thin, blonde, sorority sister-in-law can get pregnant while she's breast-feeding, and you can't even turn a line blue with all the gadgets and gizmos babycenter has to offer. i feel like i've taken care of myself my whole life -- i rarely smoked, had very few partners (like i can count 'em on one hand), i've been active and eaten well my entire life... and this is what i have to show for it... 9 months without so much as a missed period.

i know i need to get over this... jealousy doesn't make me feel any better about my chronic failure to conceive. i just have to remember that it ain't all about me... and other people's successes don't have any impact on whether i fail or succeed. and i plan to succeed... and darn it, my success will be cuter (or at least smarter) than theirs... (i'm not petty... no.)

ok, thanks for the vent. mil is off at school today, so i don't have my usual shoulder to cry on... and izzy's shoulder just isn't that big.

the blogger wastelands...

for some reason blogging has been just about the last thing on my mind this summer. getting pregnant has also seemed to take a back seat though it seems to have a more of a backseat driver kind of attitude... nagging me every time i see a pregnant woman walk down the street or get a visit from my niece. we're still trying, and i've not yet reached that ethereal line between fertile and infertile... though i'm getting closer. and i can feel it. i'm trying not to let it get me down. i've called my ob-gyn, and she said that i can start doing the tests, but she still thinks it's likely that i'll get pregnant on my own. for some reason -- even though she had nothing to base that statement on -- it made me feel a little better. i think i'll push the tests off for another month or so... if only because they're expensive, and i'm kind of cheap.

one of the good things that's been occupying my mind is that mil got into medical school (like, the m.d. kind -- yay!). and not only does that mean he's going to be able to write prescriptions in four years, but it also means that i have to figure out where the heck we're going to live. fortunately, the school is in brooklyn, so i don't have to roam too far. but i do have to get my act together and find something before september.

kellie, thanks for the good wishes! i definitely need them. i'm thinking of you ladies as well... it's strange to miss people you only knew online, but we went through a lot of ups and downs together... i'm still trying to find my way to an "up"!

seeing red

yup... my trusty 28-cycle seems to be back... if i were still on my old month-to-month way of thinking, i would be crying failure about now, but i'm not. in fact, i feel blessed that i only had about two days of even being mildly hopeful for this cycle. between the travel, the lack of a/c in our condo, and my wacky temps, it was hard to really "try" this month.

on the other hand, i am beginning to think that my turn toward medication may come sooner than i had initially planned. if we time our dancing well this month, and i still don't see those two blue lines, i think i will call my doctor to see if i can talk to her about clomid. i think there might be something off with my ovulation... but i also know that this has been the most stressful year of my life, so it's possible that my body just wants to wait until the stress is over. if that's the case... it might be a long wait.

anyway, it's been a rough week. my mom's been in and out of the hospital with side effects from her chemo. as difficult as it has been, it makes us very grateful for all the time that she has felt so well so far. we are also trying to figure out how we can make sure that she continues to feel well in the future.

for all my bc friends, i still think of you often. it still takes some resolve not to go check the board to see how everyone's doing... i hope everyone is doing well! maybe i'll stop by for a visit when things slow down around here.

we're back...

whether we like it or not... no, it's good to be home. well, it was good to be home. we were home for about 60 hours before we flew down to houston. we came down for my birthday festivities since this is where all of my family now resides. we're planning a big, tasty mexican dinner for tonight which should be fun. and i get to see my lmsp niece, so that's always a treat!

hawaii was a blast... we managed not to burn too badly, and we saw a lot of ocean life in our short stay... fish, turtles, dolphins, and even an octopus. if you're ever going to kauai, be sure to check out ke'e beach and the kalalau trail. the trail is actually 11 miles each way, and you need a camping permit to go beyond the first two miles, but i would think it's worth it. we only did the first 2 miles, and the views were unmatched... simply gorgeous. also, if you're going to stay a full week (and you need at least that to fully enjoy the island), rent a condo instead of a hotel. it's much less expensive and some condos (like ours) have better views and beaches than the fancy hotels. anyway, enough advice... here are the photos.

in ttc news, i'm not anywhere exciting. i don't even know if i've ovulated this month (though my temp times range from 4:50 am to 10:15am -- this morning -- and traversed 6 time zones). i'm not too disheartened... i don't know why... i just feel like things are going to happen the way that they are meant to happen. i've decided that i'm willing to try meds if necessary, but nothing beyond that. international adoption is a wonderful (if expensive) option if my body fails to make a baby on its own. in the meantime, i'm taking it one day at a time... life is too precious to spend worrying about what will happen next.

itchy

so, in preparation for hawai'i, i went to the local "spa" -- a glorified nail salon -- to get a bikini wax... well, i've learned my lesson. the little woman who spoke about two words of english ("oh, so sorry") filleted my nether regions in a room a little larger than my closet. she didn't bother to put on rubber gloves or sterilize the shears with which she unceremoniously hacked at my little lawn (and a little skin underneath -- ouch!) i'm still recovering... and let me tell you, it's an itchy recovery. i'm not sure what type of "soothing" ointment she put on afterwards, but i'm pretty sure it was not hypoallergenic... hyperallergenic perhaps. eek. fortunately, mil bought me a large bottle of aloe vera gel, so i should be in baby-making shape by the time my ovulation rolls around. in the meantime, i caution all you ladies out there, when you get your bush whacked, make sure it is done by a licensed aesthetician.

it must be working

i actually forgot to take my temp this am... this is a first. i'm thinking it's a sign that i'm chilling-out... a little. h*ll, i should be! i'm going to hawaii on friday! this is where we're staying... i can't wait! don't worry -- i will post pictures when we get back. or if we have wireless, i might post pics while we're there.

relax

that's what i'm trying to do. i'm trying to resist the temptation to check the babycenter board. after two months of checking several times a day, it's hard to get out of the habit. i'm also trying not to think about ttc all the time, but every time i get into a groove where i'm focused on other things, i walk by a pregnant woman or an adorable little kidlet, and it all comes rushing back... how much i want to be a mom... how much i want to see mil as a dad. at least i'm beginning to realize that although it may not happen right away... it will happen one way or another. baby steps, right?

going to see "knocked up" was probably not the best way to get my mind off of it, but it was a fun movie. the guy -- while being a bit of an oaf -- was a sweetheart, and i was impressed that katherine heigl was able to carry all that leggy, blonde gorgeousness and still be funny... and human. i definitely recommend it.

on another topic entirely, mil is graduated... he has a b.a. in biochemistry. pretty cool. today we are heading up to someplace in westchester to celebrate with some of his friends. should be nice...

books, vitamins, and herbs... oy vay!

so, over the course of the last two nights, mil and i have spent $160 on vitamins and herbs to improve my fertility. sick, eh? i bought this book at barnes and noble tuesday night... i discovered that i need to be taking black cohosh, chaste tree, dong quai, nettle, red raspberry, false unicorn root, wild yam, and red clover... mil needs to be taking ashwaganha, burdock root, ginkgo, hawthorn, damiana, and ginseng. on top of that he needs to make sure he's getting plenty of arginine, l-carnitine, selenium, vitamin c, vitamin e, and zinc. i also need to make sure i'm getting plenty of vitamin a, b6, copper, and evening primrose oil. if all this stuff doesn't make us pregnant, i don't know what will.

i'm also taking a break from my favorite babycenter board in order to try to regain my sanity. i know, i know... how do i expect to regain my sanity if i'm spending half of my day taking pills and drops? i'm not really sure how that's going to work, but i'm trying not to think about pregnancy as a month by month thing... where i'm a failure if it doesn't happen this month. instead, i'm thinking of this as an ongoing project... that could happen sooner... or later. either way, i know it will happen eventually.

ugh...

i feel like i've hit a new low in this ttc journey. for the first time since we tried in july, i brought out the hpt. i was only a day late, but i had not been that late in the five months we've been trying. i was pumped... i really thought this was it. i couldn't sleep all night, because i thought i would wake up in the morning to find out i was pregnant. every cramp or gas pain made me wonder if my uterus was making room for baby. of course, at 5:10am the hpt was negative.

i feel like i'm a loser on this ttc journey... six months seems like a loooong time, and i'm starting to lose it. i'm scared that i'm infertile and that i'll never be able to carry mil's baby. i don't want to go through a million procedures to get pregnant. i just want it to happen naturally... normally. it doesn't seem fair that other women get to have it so easy (for some, too easy). i've taken care of my body. i eat well, stay active... i've only smoked on rare occasions and drink in moderation. the # of partners i've had is in the low single-digits. i just always thought this would come easy... that i was meant to be a mother. and here i am, turning 30, having spent the last five months failing to get pregnant...

on a positive note, i have some d*mn cute new shoes.

i've decided

may's a good month. mil is graduating. my mom turned 70. and today, we finally got a little ray of sunshine in my mom's treatment. her tumor markers went down. while it's not conclusive, it does seem to be a good sign that the treatment program she's on is doing some work. we're all grateful for the good news. it seems like we haven't gotten good news from a doctor since her surgery.

it's been especially tough to wait this week. i don't know why... maybe it's that last month was sort of a bust with the fever, so i feel like i deserve to get a positive this month. unfortunately, fate doesn't really work that way, so we also did a lot of bd-ing to hedge our bets. and there's still no telling what will happen this month. gotta love that. in the meantime, i'm still a little crampy -- have been since i o'd. i feel moody, but i'd be pms-ing even if my . comes. tastes seem odd, but i've had that phantom symptom before, so i'm not reading into it. nothing else really. so there we go... a whole lot of nothing.

i'm hoping mil will get some good news this month, so that we can celebrate big time.

month 5

so now i'm a little more than halfway through month 5... last month was a bust. i don't think the fever helped. i had a temp shift, but no other signs of ovulation... not even a real positive opk. this month i went back to having multiple days of opk+, and mil and i baby-danced our little butts off. we also tried this cool stuff called pre-seed -- it's a sperm-friendly lube. boy did i need it.

i'm really hopeful this month, but i know that there's now way to tell until you see that little line on the hpt. i really want to see that line. right now i am waiting to see if my . shows next monday... if that doesn't happen, then i'm on the hpt tuesday or wednesday. i might even jump the gun if my temps go way high. we'll see. keep your virtual fingers crossed.

anyway, just wanted to give an update to the blogosphere. or myself, you know.

month four

so, here we are... halfway through month four. i should be ovulating any day now, but i seem to have contracted tonsillitis or something equally nasty. my temperature shot up to 100+ saturday morning, and hasn't gone back to normal without the help of tylenol. i'm hoping this fever will not scare off my ovulation or we might be skipping straight to month five. (of course these things don't work that way... you have to wade through the rest of month four before you even get to month five.) anyway, i'm not there yet. my temperature after this illness will let me know if i've ovulated or not. in the meantime we're still trying... :)

the wait is over... for now

i saw spots last night, and i knew it wasn't good. as soon as i took my temp this morning, i knew this cycle was over. my temp dropped .5 degrees from the day before. here's my chart at fertility friend. i'm pretty bummed. the fact that it's a cold, grey sunday doesn't really help. i know i'll get over it. hey, it'll give me a chance to play with my new fertility toys (cough medicine, bbt thermometer, and i just ordered some preseed just to make things extra-interesting).

i should be knitting or doing something more productive, but all i can do is go to the bathroom to see if i've moved beyond "spotting" into full-fledged . blah... ttc stinks. i was really hoping the third time would be a charm.