so, i was going to write this post yesterday... or the day before, but then i couldn't think of a title for it. so i didn't. anyway, i've decided that it doesn't need a title, so here goes.

last weekend i saw "vicky christina barcelona." not a catchy title, i know. it's woody allen's newest enterprise, and surprisingly enough, it's set in barcelona. it hasn't been incredibly well reviewed, and for perhaps good reason. it doesn't have much in the way of a plot. two american girls go to barcelona for a summer and meet a sexy spaniard who wants to fly them off to a small spanish town, so they can enjoy art and making love together. the girls are of two minds, one finds the invitation exciting and intriguing while the other finds it deplorable and disgusting. much confusion and passionate love-making ensue. a brazen and more-than-a-little-crazy penelope cruz enters the scene, and more confusion and passionate love-making -- and a little violence -- ensues. you pretty much get this all from the trailer.

anyway, the bottom line is that i liked it. i actually recommend it. i didn't expect to. sexy romps aren't really my thing... though sexy romps in exotic locales is a little more my speed. the real interest for me, however, was the girl who was against running off with locals to undisclosed locations. that is me. totally. i am practical. i expect that strangers are capable of killing you and leaving your remains at the side of the road... or at least giving you a nasty std. but when i was watching the movie, i kept thinking, "go! ... have fun! ... live a little! stop being so dang practical!"

of course this is a movie, there are no repercussions for me if the two girls are never seen again. but it was weird feeling -- that tug against my practical side... being annoyed by the practicality of it all. it was somewhat liberating to see what could be if you take a chance... do something a bit crazy and impractical.

it made me realize that in many ways, i limit myself by being so reasonable.. so responsible. i wonder if my job dissatisfaction comes from that same place. that maybe if i was willing to take more of a risk, i'd find myself doing something that i love... opening a cafe or baking or being a photographer... it all takes a leap, and i've never been one to leap... i take little practical steps, and so far, at least professionally, those little steps haven't taken me anywhere interesting.

symptoms

so as someone who has been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half, i figured it would be good to note what symptoms i did -- and did not -- have when i finally got that still unbelievable + pg test. over the last two years i became very well acquainted with the symptoms that meant nothing at all... sore boobs, a little queasiness, weird tastes in my mouth.

my first and only pre-period sign was major cramping about a week before my period was due. it was the same kind of cramping i get right before the blood flows -- a nice, full-uterus cramp. it didn't last long, but it was powerful enough for me to notice it (and remember it). of course, i didn't think much of it since our bodies are wacky things and like to give us reasons to think we're pregnant even when we're most definitely not.

then after missing my period, i noticed that the boobs continued to hurt (usually they start hurting about a week before the period and get better as the period gets closer). in this case the pain migrated more to the center of the boobs... (sorry if this is tmi.) and then a few days before i tested, i noticed that i was having bad indigestion... as in my stomach was making all sorts of strange noises as i tried to fall asleep. and that was pretty much it... i tested, was shocked, and since then have started to feel kind of queasy most of the time (which is stinky 'cause i'm also pretty much hungry all of the time). oh, and tired all the time.

things i thought would happen but didn't: implantation bleeding, sore/bleeding gums, super smell, nausea. really the smelling thing i notice, but more because every smell makes me a little queasy... and that's really only started in the last week.

anyway, i doubt this list is of much interest to anyone beside myself, but i thought i'd keep it for the future.

i'm still nervous about the appointment next week, but i'm trying to keep myself distracted. thank you all for your support... it helps get me through this nerve-wracking time.

bbc gals, thanks for keeping tabs on me... i know i sort of disappeared for a while. i actually took a look for you now that i can handle babycenter again (a little), but i didn't know where to find you since i think you're long past ttc. i'd love to see photos of your little ones!

up next: a non-pg post!

the story.

first of all, i can't believe that anyone saw the last post. i really figured at this point i would be writing for myself and myself alone. you ladies are great! thank you.

so, i'm going to warn you that this might be the kind of story that makes if-ers shudder. a month ago, it would have pissed me off, too, but seeing as how i'd given up blogging and reading blogs then, i wouldn't have come across it. anyway, shortly after i gave up blogging, i gave up "trying." (i know! how annoying!) "why?" you ask.

in early june, we discovered that mil was going to have repeat his first year of med school because he failed too many blocks last year. this was heart-breaking for both of us. unfortunately, it took my therapist to throw out the crazy idea that maybe... just maybe... having a baby and going through all sorts of machinations to get there were not such a good idea right now. it took me about a day to warm up to the idea, but i realized that ultimately, mil needs this time to focus on himself and his studies this year, and having a baby is just about the most life-altering, stressful thing you can experience. how the heck is he going to perform well when there's a little person screaming all night long (i guess we'll have to figure that out).

so we called the clinic, told them to put our cycle on hold. we discussed whether we should use birth control "just in case," but neither of us were willing to go that far after all we'd been through. i exhaled... settled into life with my hubby... going to great adventure for my birthday, drinking martinis to my heart's content (which is 2 by the way). i was beginning to actually enjoy this brief reprieve from having to worry about when to have snu-snu and holding my legs up interminably after, not to mention doctor's appointments in the early a.m. so they can shove catheters up my hoo-ha.

and, true to the word of all those *sshats out there who say "just relax" and "it'll happen," it happened. a year and a half later... but it happened. i was not expecting it at all. we were on vacation when i hit the one week late mark (a mark i'd never hit before), and i just couldn't wait anymore... especially since our hosts had martinis and wine flowing all night every night. i actually just figured i should test, so i know that i can partake with abandon. turns out i couldn't. we actually had to bike to a nearby town in order to get the test when our hosts weren't around...

this was all of a week and a half ago, so i'm not too far into this (6.5 weeks to be exact). i'm still disbelieving. and seeing as how this happened without a doctor, i don't get to see the little critter (or even visit the doctor) until after 8 weeks. it seems like cruel and unusual punishment after waiting over a year and a half, but i'm happy and trying to enjoy the fact that i saw "pregnant" for once in my freakin' life. as my brother said, regardless of what happens next (which will hopefully be nothing but good), we at least know that i can turn a pee-stick blue.

anyway, that's my little story. i hope i didn't annoy anyone too much. i know that it's hard to read the blog of someone who's gotten lucky, but if you can, stick by me at least until sept 4th when i go to visit my ob-gyn.

all was quiet on the eastern front...

...until i saw a pee stick that said "pregnant."