books, vitamins, and herbs... oy vay!

so, over the course of the last two nights, mil and i have spent $160 on vitamins and herbs to improve my fertility. sick, eh? i bought this book at barnes and noble tuesday night... i discovered that i need to be taking black cohosh, chaste tree, dong quai, nettle, red raspberry, false unicorn root, wild yam, and red clover... mil needs to be taking ashwaganha, burdock root, ginkgo, hawthorn, damiana, and ginseng. on top of that he needs to make sure he's getting plenty of arginine, l-carnitine, selenium, vitamin c, vitamin e, and zinc. i also need to make sure i'm getting plenty of vitamin a, b6, copper, and evening primrose oil. if all this stuff doesn't make us pregnant, i don't know what will.

i'm also taking a break from my favorite babycenter board in order to try to regain my sanity. i know, i know... how do i expect to regain my sanity if i'm spending half of my day taking pills and drops? i'm not really sure how that's going to work, but i'm trying not to think about pregnancy as a month by month thing... where i'm a failure if it doesn't happen this month. instead, i'm thinking of this as an ongoing project... that could happen sooner... or later. either way, i know it will happen eventually.

ugh...

i feel like i've hit a new low in this ttc journey. for the first time since we tried in july, i brought out the hpt. i was only a day late, but i had not been that late in the five months we've been trying. i was pumped... i really thought this was it. i couldn't sleep all night, because i thought i would wake up in the morning to find out i was pregnant. every cramp or gas pain made me wonder if my uterus was making room for baby. of course, at 5:10am the hpt was negative.

i feel like i'm a loser on this ttc journey... six months seems like a loooong time, and i'm starting to lose it. i'm scared that i'm infertile and that i'll never be able to carry mil's baby. i don't want to go through a million procedures to get pregnant. i just want it to happen naturally... normally. it doesn't seem fair that other women get to have it so easy (for some, too easy). i've taken care of my body. i eat well, stay active... i've only smoked on rare occasions and drink in moderation. the # of partners i've had is in the low single-digits. i just always thought this would come easy... that i was meant to be a mother. and here i am, turning 30, having spent the last five months failing to get pregnant...

on a positive note, i have some d*mn cute new shoes.

i've decided

may's a good month. mil is graduating. my mom turned 70. and today, we finally got a little ray of sunshine in my mom's treatment. her tumor markers went down. while it's not conclusive, it does seem to be a good sign that the treatment program she's on is doing some work. we're all grateful for the good news. it seems like we haven't gotten good news from a doctor since her surgery.

it's been especially tough to wait this week. i don't know why... maybe it's that last month was sort of a bust with the fever, so i feel like i deserve to get a positive this month. unfortunately, fate doesn't really work that way, so we also did a lot of bd-ing to hedge our bets. and there's still no telling what will happen this month. gotta love that. in the meantime, i'm still a little crampy -- have been since i o'd. i feel moody, but i'd be pms-ing even if my . comes. tastes seem odd, but i've had that phantom symptom before, so i'm not reading into it. nothing else really. so there we go... a whole lot of nothing.

i'm hoping mil will get some good news this month, so that we can celebrate big time.

month 5

so now i'm a little more than halfway through month 5... last month was a bust. i don't think the fever helped. i had a temp shift, but no other signs of ovulation... not even a real positive opk. this month i went back to having multiple days of opk+, and mil and i baby-danced our little butts off. we also tried this cool stuff called pre-seed -- it's a sperm-friendly lube. boy did i need it.

i'm really hopeful this month, but i know that there's now way to tell until you see that little line on the hpt. i really want to see that line. right now i am waiting to see if my . shows next monday... if that doesn't happen, then i'm on the hpt tuesday or wednesday. i might even jump the gun if my temps go way high. we'll see. keep your virtual fingers crossed.

anyway, just wanted to give an update to the blogosphere. or myself, you know.