meltywoman

thank you for your kind notes... it's difficult to know what to say in return. i always found myself tongue-tied when talking to a friend who lost someone dear. i've always wanted to say something that could take away the pain and remind them why life is still worth living... it turns out i'm equally as tongue-tied when it is i doing the "losing." i find i'm so thoroughly encased in my own protective shell that i don't know how to respond naturally to friends when they express their sorrow and sympathy. i feel like if i open that shell -- even a crack -- i will become a pool of entrails... tears and snot. it's easier for me to act like i'm normal, creating a parallel life for myself where my mom is still quite alive and happily cancer-free. this works for short bursts of time... at work... in the store. i seem relatively functional until someone says, "i'm so sorry about your mom" or even "how are you?" at which point i turn into a babbling moron because my cellophane world is shattered, and i have to figure out how to respond without risking a crack in my protective casing. all the effort put forth to create and maintain this shell leaves me with little energy to actually use my mind for much else. ultimately, it's a very exhausting enterprise... but i don't know how else to function.

anyway, thank you for thinking of me. my mom was a beautiful human being, and i was truly blessed to have her. though i haven't given much thought to infertility in the last month, it's hard not to think of the grandchildren she will never meet... never read a book to... never roll around on the floor with. i just have to believe that when they are here she will know them and be with them spiritually.

Powered by ScribeFire.

m.i.a.

i'm sorry that i've been missing in action. unfortunately, it has been for a very sad reason. my mom passed away last week. i left new york to be with her in mid-November when she was in the hospital getting her feeding tube. unfortunately, the feeding tube was only the beginning of her worries. the feeding tube never worked, and many other things started to go wrong. it turns out that there were many tiny, sub-radiographic tumors surrounding her organs causing strictures throughout her bowels and fluid build-up in her abdomen. she ultimately died of a cerebral hemorrhage... quickly and relatively painlessly, but long before any of us ever wanted to see her go. she was a treasure of a person. looking back, i'm not so sure she wasn't an angel. she loved every minute of every day and took pleasure in other people's accomplishments. she was never thoughtless or petty... just warm, caring, and joyful. i honestly can't think of a mean or selfish thing that she ever did or said... i'm sure there were a few times she had been pushed past her limit, but they were so rare and inconsequential, i can't bring them to mind. i hope that everyone has someone in her life who loves her as fully and unconditionally as my mom loved me.

Powered by ScribeFire.