little things*

nagging things. like my mom not feeling well yesterday... after a month and half off of chemo. could be she just ate something funny (she did have half of her digestive tract rearranged less than a year ago)... or it could be something more foreboding.

or like my job. it's not too bad, but it's also not too good. i don't feel like i have the energy or inclination to work hard at something new, but i'm also bored beyond tears with what i'm doing now. i know i'm on the wrong track, but i don't know what the right track is. so far the townhouse development i'm supposed to be helping with has maintained the breathless pace of molasses.

oh, and then there's the apartment search... remember how we were going to move to brooklyn? yeah... so far, we've looked at a lot of places. but buying? buying doesn't seem to be happening. so every weekend i either go out to look at open houses or i feel guilty that i haven't... either way the result seems to be the same.

yeah... and everyone seems to be pregnant today. something about beautiful weather and the upper west side seems to attract the uber-fertile and their bugaboos. i also made the mistake of meeting a friend at le pain quotidien... that place is like the fertile woman's sorority house. i think i saw 3 pregnant ladies and 2 newborns in the brief hour we were there.

*i had actually planned to post this on my other blog, but i just couldn't get myself to hit "publish post" without including the part about being peeved about all of the preggos in this city. and i'm just not ready to have all my friends ask me about the baby-making business.

es geht mir nicht so gut

yup. another period. at least there wasn't much of a rollercoaster this time... mostly because i was on vacation with my family and therefore didn't have the time to think about (or anyone to talk to about with) the dreaded tww. also because my niece had a bit of a fever at the beginning of our trip, so i lent my bbt to them... which i have yet to get back. it's bad enough that they flaunt their fertility in front of me, now they're hijacking my baby-makin' thermometer... kidding, kidding. it has actually brought me one good thing. i think from now on, i might just dump the thermometer after i've confirmed ovulation. nothing good seems to come from keeping track.

so now we head into month 11. even though i'm not technically infertile yet, i feel like i'm as good as there. we've definitely timed our dancing pretty well at least half of those months. of course, as my darling mil states, being infertile doesn't mean that we definitely won't get pg naturally... it just means that it's gonna be dang hard (and dang long)... if it happens at all. i still need to find a way to gently nudge him to make an appointment for semen analysis. he's super busy, and i know he doesn't really want to think about this stuff, but i'd like to start figuring out what the heck is wrong... so maybe we can do something about it. i'm really not fond of the jealous wannabemom i've become. i have started glaring at the bulging bellies of the pregnant ladies in my building, and even being with my niece is a little painful. super fun, but, you know, it still hurts... being the aunt and not the mom. i think i might even be avoiding one of my good friends because she's pregnant with her second. i was so much more excited for her the first time around... long before we began our own attempts at parenthood. i want to be that way again. i've always been so happy with my life... and i am. i just don't know how to deal with all of these ugly feelings.

middle ages

thank you for all of the great thoughts/suggestions regarding next steps. i seem to be in that hazy place between fertility and "infertility." (is it just me or does the term "infertility" just totally suck? from the various message boards i've read, many -- perhaps even the majority -- of technically "infertile" women go on to produce biological offspring, so aren't they really fertile...? maybe i'm splitting hairs here, but wouldn't reproductively-challenged -- we could call it r.c. for short -- be more appropriate?) anyway, i'm trudging through month 10 at this point and while, heck, i could get pregnant this month... i'm just having a hard time believing it will ever happen to me... at least without some medical assistance (or way more patience than i really have).

i'm going to see if i can convince mil to get the old s.a. (fun, fun). but if what you say is true, i think he will survive. i even found out that my insurance provider covers it so long as the clinic is part of their group, so my money-pinching can no longer be used as an excuse. and once that appointment is made, i'll check-in with my o.b. about doing my first round of blood tests. i don't know if there's a specific time in my cycle that i'm supposed to go, but i guess i'll call and find out.

i haven't been good about posting lately, but after i get back from germany -- oh, yes, didn't i tell you...? i'm heading off to germany with my family (sans studying mil) for a week. should be fun! anyway, after all that, i'm going to try to get back into the blogging groove.

cbefm

i've learned what this means... clear blue easy fertility monitor. that's what i'm using. it's sort of like a video game with hormones! yay! your goal is to ovulate! but in order to do so, you must have plenty of estrogen and plenty of luteinizing hormone. and in order to win the game you also have to have a lot of sex! let's hope his boys are healthy, mobile, and plentiful! 'cause if they're not, "game over" and you have to start from scratch next month.

so far, i've made it past my "peak"... i think. see, i've had times where my luteinizing hormone stays elevated for daayyss. i don't know what that means, but it makes me wonder if my brilliantly expensive cbefm knows what it's doing. i sure hope so since mil and i have been bd'ing like jackrabbits. i haven't had a real temp spike though, so who knows...

i'm also trying to visualize a fertile uterus (and fertile ovaries, fallopian tubes, and eggies). i figure you can't put too many "eggs" in one basket. next month i might take to lighting candles and chanting to the goddess.

in terms of introducing western medicine into our bedroom, i've still got cold feet. i'm hesitant to ask mil to run off to some clinic to shoot his wad before med school class. he's so busy and so stressed, i don't want to add to it... it's bad enough that i'm begging him for bd every time i see him. i'm also cheap and semen analysis is kind of pricy -- though nothing compared to all the other stuff i will have to do. i've yet to call our health insurance company to find out what if anything they cover for various fertility-related tests. i'm afraid it will shock me into another year of trying the natural way.

anyone been this way before? advice would be wonderful...