so, now that this gestation is far from a secret and my infertility problems, while still a specter for the future, are not foremost on my mind, i think i'm going to condense my two blogs into one. i'm just not prolific enough to fill two blogs... heck, i'm lucky to keep up with one on a remotely consistent basis. for now, i've decided that my one blog will be my more public blog (i.e., the one my non-blog/internet friends occasionally check). that way, i can keep this as a back-up, not-so-public blog should the need arise in the future, and my "irl" friends needn't run into more information than they care to know about my biological functions.
so if you're still interested in keeping-up (at least insofar as i keep up the blogging) with moosk, come see me at elegy to lost youth.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
puttering around
i'm still here, and miss millimoosk is as well. she's expanding, and so am i. it's all good. work has been busy -- which i blame for some of my silence. i've also been trying to catch-up on my knitting projects, so that i have a chance to knit something for my own bundle of joy before she arrives. i'm realizing that my first niece will have had the best of my needles because i've gotten less and less prolific with my knitting in recent months (years). i guess if she turns out to be an easy baby (please be an easy baby!), i might have a little time to catch-up once she's here, but i'm not betting on it.
while i continuously knock on wood, i will report that so far, this pregnancy has been relatively uneventful. there was a brief period of spotting in the second trimester, but that was apparently due to some activities her father and i partook in, and had nothing to do with any baby troubles. now she's moving up a storm, reminding me that she's in there and getting bigger and stronger every day. i still love it even though she is capable of a nice kick to the kidneys every now and again. though i still worry that somehow she'll be taken from me, i realize that that fear is mostly irrational. my more realistic fear is that she'll get too comfortable in the transverse position and choose not to put her head where it belongs come delivery time. obviously, this, i can deal with.
oh, one thing that i've realized i hadn't given much thought to before i got pregnant (and perhaps even before being 20 weeks pregnant, since i still didn't quite believe that i might be giving birth) was how and where i wanted to deliver. yeah, i always thought i wanted to try a drug-free birth, maybe in a hospital with a birthing center, but i didn't realize how early on i needed to be looking into this. i really like my ob-gyn -- i had started seeing her shortly before i got pregnant, but now that i'm getting closer to due-day, i'm wondering if she -- and more specifically, her hospital -- are the best fit for me. i just watched "the business of being born," and i realize how much the hospital you deliver in can influence your birth experience. i am not so worried that i want to change doctors and hospitals this late in the game (there are many things i like about both), but i am glad that i have hired a doula who will be committed to my birth plan and my goals for this delivery. it's a bit of an extravagance, but if i am able to have a drug-free birth where i feel in charge of the process, it will be 100% worth it. but i also realize, that if i'd seriously thought about these things earlier on, i could have avoided that expense and hired a midwife at a hospital birthing center instead. ah, well...
ultimately, my primary goal is that baby and i make it though safe and sound, and i think this hospital will be very good in that regard.
while i continuously knock on wood, i will report that so far, this pregnancy has been relatively uneventful. there was a brief period of spotting in the second trimester, but that was apparently due to some activities her father and i partook in, and had nothing to do with any baby troubles. now she's moving up a storm, reminding me that she's in there and getting bigger and stronger every day. i still love it even though she is capable of a nice kick to the kidneys every now and again. though i still worry that somehow she'll be taken from me, i realize that that fear is mostly irrational. my more realistic fear is that she'll get too comfortable in the transverse position and choose not to put her head where it belongs come delivery time. obviously, this, i can deal with.
oh, one thing that i've realized i hadn't given much thought to before i got pregnant (and perhaps even before being 20 weeks pregnant, since i still didn't quite believe that i might be giving birth) was how and where i wanted to deliver. yeah, i always thought i wanted to try a drug-free birth, maybe in a hospital with a birthing center, but i didn't realize how early on i needed to be looking into this. i really like my ob-gyn -- i had started seeing her shortly before i got pregnant, but now that i'm getting closer to due-day, i'm wondering if she -- and more specifically, her hospital -- are the best fit for me. i just watched "the business of being born," and i realize how much the hospital you deliver in can influence your birth experience. i am not so worried that i want to change doctors and hospitals this late in the game (there are many things i like about both), but i am glad that i have hired a doula who will be committed to my birth plan and my goals for this delivery. it's a bit of an extravagance, but if i am able to have a drug-free birth where i feel in charge of the process, it will be 100% worth it. but i also realize, that if i'd seriously thought about these things earlier on, i could have avoided that expense and hired a midwife at a hospital birthing center instead. ah, well...
ultimately, my primary goal is that baby and i make it though safe and sound, and i think this hospital will be very good in that regard.
Monday, December 08, 2008
so...
true to moosk form, i am incredibly delayed in this announcement, but after a little knickering about with the u/s transmitter, we discovered that the fetal one has little girl bits! i am glad that she was willing to reveal to us her gender if only so i can stop calling her "it." i am so pleased with her, in fact, that i'm willing to forgive her for making me trek across to the east side three times in the hopes of getting a glimpse of the left side of her heart. apparently, doctors are very adamant about wanting to have photographic evidence of both sides of the heart, and they refuse to take "no" from a fetus. despite various shakes, pokes, and gymnastic efforts on my part, she refused to move to the proper position, meaning that i have to arrange for a fetal echocardiogram in order to get this very important photo op. funny, i picked my o.b. in part because her office is all of two blocks from our apartment, but it seems i spend half of the time going to the hospital on the opposite side of town. and since i am generally a cheapskate, that means i either have to walk there (a good 45min - 1hr) or take the bus (also a good 45min - 1hr). grr. of course, it's all worth it, it's just funny that this little person can already have such a stubborn personality... kinda like someone else i know... :)
Monday, November 24, 2008
awe
***to my friends dealing with i/f, i have to forewarn you that this post might be painful to read. i want to share this experience with you, but i know you have to protect your own emotions as well.***
i never allowed myself to expect this... and as the months of trying to conceive wore on, i began to believe that it would never happen to me... that maybe i just wasn't meant to get pregnant... i wasn't meant to create life. even after seeing that miraculous positive pregnancy test and the little human-like form moving around on the ultrasound screen, i only let myself believe a little bit. when i'd tell my friends that i was pregnant, it was often couched in conditionals... "if all goes well, we'll have a baby in april." "it seems that we are pregnant, though april is a long way off."
after so much time feeling hesitant and worrying that this might all be in my head... or somehow even after 12 then 14 then 16 then 18 weeks my little millimoosk could be taken from me... after all the fears, i've finally found some peace. i've felt the millimoosk move. s/he bounces about when i'm hungry or when i lie down in bed after a long day... sometimes just sitting at my desk s/he gives me a little tap, and i say "hello, baby!"
i finally really believe that there is a little life inside of me... a little life that will change mine in ways i have no way of conceiving. while i can't say that my worry has melted away entirely (the anatomy scan is wednesday, and we will learn more important information than just whether the millimoosk has a millipeepee), i can say that i finally feel pregnant, and it's nothing short of miraculous.
i never allowed myself to expect this... and as the months of trying to conceive wore on, i began to believe that it would never happen to me... that maybe i just wasn't meant to get pregnant... i wasn't meant to create life. even after seeing that miraculous positive pregnancy test and the little human-like form moving around on the ultrasound screen, i only let myself believe a little bit. when i'd tell my friends that i was pregnant, it was often couched in conditionals... "if all goes well, we'll have a baby in april." "it seems that we are pregnant, though april is a long way off."
after so much time feeling hesitant and worrying that this might all be in my head... or somehow even after 12 then 14 then 16 then 18 weeks my little millimoosk could be taken from me... after all the fears, i've finally found some peace. i've felt the millimoosk move. s/he bounces about when i'm hungry or when i lie down in bed after a long day... sometimes just sitting at my desk s/he gives me a little tap, and i say "hello, baby!"
i finally really believe that there is a little life inside of me... a little life that will change mine in ways i have no way of conceiving. while i can't say that my worry has melted away entirely (the anatomy scan is wednesday, and we will learn more important information than just whether the millimoosk has a millipeepee), i can say that i finally feel pregnant, and it's nothing short of miraculous.
Monday, November 10, 2008
giving in to temptation
so... as you know, i've been incredibly cautious about this pregnancy. cautious, not in the sense that i won't ever eat deli meat or soft cheese, but cautious in the sense that i hate to tell people i'm pregnant for fear that i will someday have to un-tell them. in this same vein, i haven't bought any baby paraphernalia. that is until now...
i bought this for mil. because it's d*mn cute... and it's tokidoki... and it's punk rock... like he used to be before he met me and turned all yuppie.
even though we don't know what flavor this kid's going to come in (though we will hopefully find out before thanksgiving), i'm okay with the blue onsie. see the pink hair? i can always put a dab of pink manic panic on the little chica's dome (since if my genes have anything to say, there will be no hair there for a good two years). seriously, i'm not really into the little princess look for girls anyway, so i'm okay if the odd person says, "isn't he cute!". hey, a complement's a complement, and i don't think a 3-month old is likely to get a complex about it.
i bought this for mil. because it's d*mn cute... and it's tokidoki... and it's punk rock... like he used to be before he met me and turned all yuppie.
even though we don't know what flavor this kid's going to come in (though we will hopefully find out before thanksgiving), i'm okay with the blue onsie. see the pink hair? i can always put a dab of pink manic panic on the little chica's dome (since if my genes have anything to say, there will be no hair there for a good two years). seriously, i'm not really into the little princess look for girls anyway, so i'm okay if the odd person says, "isn't he cute!". hey, a complement's a complement, and i don't think a 3-month old is likely to get a complex about it.
Monday, October 27, 2008
remember me?
hi! i'm moosk. i used to live here, but now i only visit a couple of times a year. it's just like when i went off to college!
i have no real excuse. i've been tired. work's been busy. i've been on a computer diet... they're all kind of true. i've been reading your blogs as much as possible, but not feeling witty enough to leave a comment.
some stuff has happened since i last wrote. i have a new niece, and she's super cute. in combination with her older sister, they're pretty much irresistible. i didn't expect to be so instantly smitten with #2, since i'd already fallen so hard for #1. and everyone knows a 2-year-old is more fun than a newborn (don't they?). but seriously, this newborn was just a ball of snuggly cuddles, and i didn't even have to chase her down to get her to go to sleep! i also had the good fortune to be holding this beautiful newborn and dreaming of the special newborn that was growing inside my own body...
this doesn't mean i've shed all of my fears for my own little one. i still grow more anxious in the days leading up to my next ob appt... start imagining scenarios that i know aren't healthy. last night i barely slept. and when i did i had fitful dreams about the milimoosk (and some kind of nightmare where sarah palin turned out to be my college professor, and i was scared she would find out all of the nasty things i'd said about her). my next appointment is this wednesday. i have no real reason to fear. i've had a few little cramps that worried me, and my belly still ain't looking all too pregnant, but i don't think either of those are reasons to believe anything less than ordinary is going on.
oh, i realize that i didn't even post after my last appt. jeez, i stink. well, that one went well (or i probably would have written). milimoosk seems to be growing on target and has a very low probability of having downs or the trisomies. and, um s/he's freakin' cute! i swear! even at 3 inches, you couldn't doubt that this is a cute little critter. every time i look at the u/s picture, i say, "aw, you're so darn cute!" and tickle her/his belly on the photo before realizing this little thing is inside of me. so, yeah, i'm a little biased, and despite my fears i'm definitely getting attached. who knows, maybe after the next appointment, i might even buy a baby-thing (though i already have piles of hand-me-down maternity wear, i have yet to get a single baby-thing. i guess it's the jewish part of me*).
and, finally, the most important thing that's happened to me since i last wrote: i baked red-velvet cupcakes!** (photos to come!) i hadn't baked since before i found out i was pregnant (and i've hardly cooked either).
* jewish tradition is very superstitious about buying anything before the baby is born. i imagine that makes for a very hectic day-after!
**ok, so maybe not the most important thing, but they are dang good.
i have no real excuse. i've been tired. work's been busy. i've been on a computer diet... they're all kind of true. i've been reading your blogs as much as possible, but not feeling witty enough to leave a comment.
some stuff has happened since i last wrote. i have a new niece, and she's super cute. in combination with her older sister, they're pretty much irresistible. i didn't expect to be so instantly smitten with #2, since i'd already fallen so hard for #1. and everyone knows a 2-year-old is more fun than a newborn (don't they?). but seriously, this newborn was just a ball of snuggly cuddles, and i didn't even have to chase her down to get her to go to sleep! i also had the good fortune to be holding this beautiful newborn and dreaming of the special newborn that was growing inside my own body...
this doesn't mean i've shed all of my fears for my own little one. i still grow more anxious in the days leading up to my next ob appt... start imagining scenarios that i know aren't healthy. last night i barely slept. and when i did i had fitful dreams about the milimoosk (and some kind of nightmare where sarah palin turned out to be my college professor, and i was scared she would find out all of the nasty things i'd said about her). my next appointment is this wednesday. i have no real reason to fear. i've had a few little cramps that worried me, and my belly still ain't looking all too pregnant, but i don't think either of those are reasons to believe anything less than ordinary is going on.
oh, i realize that i didn't even post after my last appt. jeez, i stink. well, that one went well (or i probably would have written). milimoosk seems to be growing on target and has a very low probability of having downs or the trisomies. and, um s/he's freakin' cute! i swear! even at 3 inches, you couldn't doubt that this is a cute little critter. every time i look at the u/s picture, i say, "aw, you're so darn cute!" and tickle her/his belly on the photo before realizing this little thing is inside of me. so, yeah, i'm a little biased, and despite my fears i'm definitely getting attached. who knows, maybe after the next appointment, i might even buy a baby-thing (though i already have piles of hand-me-down maternity wear, i have yet to get a single baby-thing. i guess it's the jewish part of me*).
and, finally, the most important thing that's happened to me since i last wrote: i baked red-velvet cupcakes!** (photos to come!) i hadn't baked since before i found out i was pregnant (and i've hardly cooked either).
* jewish tradition is very superstitious about buying anything before the baby is born. i imagine that makes for a very hectic day-after!
**ok, so maybe not the most important thing, but they are dang good.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
side note: ticker
so, i caved in and got the little pregnancy widget. i hope this doesn't annoy any of my friends dealing with i/f. i put it down at the bottom, so it isn't staring you in the face when you link to my blog, but if you want to check it out (which really who would other than me?), you can.
not quite mia
sorry about that. between the exhaustion... and well, the exhaustion, i haven't really had time to post. i've been spending as few non-working hours in front of the computer as possible (hence this post from work -- sorry work!).
so, even though i've seen the heartbeat, and have some confirmation that i wasn't making the whole thing up, i'm still pretty anxious about this being pregnant thing. i know it's natural. but still, with every friend i tell, i think, "okay, who would i ask to tell that person if something happened to the baby?" i know i shouldn't think like that, but it still doesn't seem real, and i'm hoping that the 12-week ultrasound will help knock some sense into me. other people are happy for me, and i know somewhere deep down i'm super excited, but the anxiety and the sorrow seem to dull the euphoria.
the sorrow is more painful than the worry. ever since i found out i was pregnant, i've been missing my mom like a lost limb... i've cried in the shower... i've cried myself to sleep. i just can't seem to digest the fact that my mom won't be here for this... isn't here for this. i picture her excitement just over the fact that we were going to start "trying" a year and a half ago. she was already saying what a great dad mil would make. i know she wouldn't be able to restrain herself from calling constantly to check on my symptoms. she'd assure me when i start to worry that my breasts don't seem that much bigger. we'd compare her symptoms to mine. she definitely would have already bought some little bit of baby cuteness despite my fears and gentle pleas that she wait till the second trimester. perhaps that's why this doesn't seem real. i had a picture in my head of how this would happen. i'd take the test with mil... i'd call my mom, and she would tell the world before i'd even have a chance to call my brother. she would coddle me, and comfort me, and spoil me with attention. for some reason, without her excitement and companionship, the whole "having a baby" thing -- which i've dreamed of for so long -- seems lonely and empty.
i know that this will pass (to some degree)... as i begin to feel the baby move, as we start to fill our home with little baby things... but i feel disappointed in myself that i'm not the glowing "happy mama" that i wanted to be. i worry that my sadness will make the little kumquat sad, too. so i try not to give in too much or too long to the sorrow. i try to remind myself of all the things i have to be happy about (and right now there's something truly wonderful to be happy about)... and when all else fails, i work or i read or i sleep or, if i'm really lucky, i hang out with friends.
so, even though i've seen the heartbeat, and have some confirmation that i wasn't making the whole thing up, i'm still pretty anxious about this being pregnant thing. i know it's natural. but still, with every friend i tell, i think, "okay, who would i ask to tell that person if something happened to the baby?" i know i shouldn't think like that, but it still doesn't seem real, and i'm hoping that the 12-week ultrasound will help knock some sense into me. other people are happy for me, and i know somewhere deep down i'm super excited, but the anxiety and the sorrow seem to dull the euphoria.
the sorrow is more painful than the worry. ever since i found out i was pregnant, i've been missing my mom like a lost limb... i've cried in the shower... i've cried myself to sleep. i just can't seem to digest the fact that my mom won't be here for this... isn't here for this. i picture her excitement just over the fact that we were going to start "trying" a year and a half ago. she was already saying what a great dad mil would make. i know she wouldn't be able to restrain herself from calling constantly to check on my symptoms. she'd assure me when i start to worry that my breasts don't seem that much bigger. we'd compare her symptoms to mine. she definitely would have already bought some little bit of baby cuteness despite my fears and gentle pleas that she wait till the second trimester. perhaps that's why this doesn't seem real. i had a picture in my head of how this would happen. i'd take the test with mil... i'd call my mom, and she would tell the world before i'd even have a chance to call my brother. she would coddle me, and comfort me, and spoil me with attention. for some reason, without her excitement and companionship, the whole "having a baby" thing -- which i've dreamed of for so long -- seems lonely and empty.
i know that this will pass (to some degree)... as i begin to feel the baby move, as we start to fill our home with little baby things... but i feel disappointed in myself that i'm not the glowing "happy mama" that i wanted to be. i worry that my sadness will make the little kumquat sad, too. so i try not to give in too much or too long to the sorrow. i try to remind myself of all the things i have to be happy about (and right now there's something truly wonderful to be happy about)... and when all else fails, i work or i read or i sleep or, if i'm really lucky, i hang out with friends.
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