so...

true to moosk form, i am incredibly delayed in this announcement, but after a little knickering about with the u/s transmitter, we discovered that the fetal one has little girl bits! i am glad that she was willing to reveal to us her gender if only so i can stop calling her "it." i am so pleased with her, in fact, that i'm willing to forgive her for making me trek across to the east side three times in the hopes of getting a glimpse of the left side of her heart. apparently, doctors are very adamant about wanting to have photographic evidence of both sides of the heart, and they refuse to take "no" from a fetus. despite various shakes, pokes, and gymnastic efforts on my part, she refused to move to the proper position, meaning that i have to arrange for a fetal echocardiogram in order to get this very important photo op. funny, i picked my o.b. in part because her office is all of two blocks from our apartment, but it seems i spend half of the time going to the hospital on the opposite side of town. and since i am generally a cheapskate, that means i either have to walk there (a good 45min - 1hr) or take the bus (also a good 45min - 1hr). grr. of course, it's all worth it, it's just funny that this little person can already have such a stubborn personality... kinda like someone else i know... :)

awe

***to my friends dealing with i/f, i have to forewarn you that this post might be painful to read. i want to share this experience with you, but i know you have to protect your own emotions as well.***

i never allowed myself to expect this... and as the months of trying to conceive wore on, i began to believe that it would never happen to me... that maybe i just wasn't meant to get pregnant... i wasn't meant to create life. even after seeing that miraculous positive pregnancy test and the little human-like form moving around on the ultrasound screen, i only let myself believe a little bit. when i'd tell my friends that i was pregnant, it was often couched in conditionals... "if all goes well, we'll have a baby in april." "it seems that we are pregnant, though april is a long way off."

after so much time feeling hesitant and worrying that this might all be in my head... or somehow even after 12 then 14 then 16 then 18 weeks my little millimoosk could be taken from me... after all the fears, i've finally found some peace. i've felt the millimoosk move. s/he bounces about when i'm hungry or when i lie down in bed after a long day... sometimes just sitting at my desk s/he gives me a little tap, and i say "hello, baby!"

i finally really believe that there is a little life inside of me... a little life that will change mine in ways i have no way of conceiving. while i can't say that my worry has melted away entirely (the anatomy scan is wednesday, and we will learn more important information than just whether the millimoosk has a millipeepee), i can say that i finally feel pregnant, and it's nothing short of miraculous.

giving in to temptation

so... as you know, i've been incredibly cautious about this pregnancy. cautious, not in the sense that i won't ever eat deli meat or soft cheese, but cautious in the sense that i hate to tell people i'm pregnant for fear that i will someday have to un-tell them. in this same vein, i haven't bought any baby paraphernalia. that is until now...

i bought this for mil. because it's d*mn cute... and it's tokidoki... and it's punk rock... like he used to be before he met me and turned all yuppie.

even though we don't know what flavor this kid's going to come in (though we will hopefully find out before thanksgiving), i'm okay with the blue onsie. see the pink hair? i can always put a dab of pink manic panic on the little chica's dome (since if my genes have anything to say, there will be no hair there for a good two years). seriously, i'm not really into the little princess look for girls anyway, so i'm okay if the odd person says, "isn't he cute!". hey, a complement's a complement, and i don't think a 3-month old is likely to get a complex about it.

not quite mia

sorry about that. between the exhaustion... and well, the exhaustion, i haven't really had time to post. i've been spending as few non-working hours in front of the computer as possible (hence this post from work -- sorry work!).

so, even though i've seen the heartbeat, and have some confirmation that i wasn't making the whole thing up, i'm still pretty anxious about this being pregnant thing. i know it's natural. but still, with every friend i tell, i think, "okay, who would i ask to tell that person if something happened to the baby?" i know i shouldn't think like that, but it still doesn't seem real, and i'm hoping that the 12-week ultrasound will help knock some sense into me. other people are happy for me, and i know somewhere deep down i'm super excited, but the anxiety and the sorrow seem to dull the euphoria.

the sorrow is more painful than the worry. ever since i found out i was pregnant, i've been missing my mom like a lost limb... i've cried in the shower... i've cried myself to sleep. i just can't seem to digest the fact that my mom won't be here for this... isn't here for this. i picture her excitement just over the fact that we were going to start "trying" a year and a half ago. she was already saying what a great dad mil would make. i know she wouldn't be able to restrain herself from calling constantly to check on my symptoms. she'd assure me when i start to worry that my breasts don't seem that much bigger. we'd compare her symptoms to mine. she definitely would have already bought some little bit of baby cuteness despite my fears and gentle pleas that she wait till the second trimester. perhaps that's why this doesn't seem real. i had a picture in my head of how this would happen. i'd take the test with mil... i'd call my mom, and she would tell the world before i'd even have a chance to call my brother. she would coddle me, and comfort me, and spoil me with attention. for some reason, without her excitement and companionship, the whole "having a baby" thing -- which i've dreamed of for so long -- seems lonely and empty.

i know that this will pass (to some degree)... as i begin to feel the baby move, as we start to fill our home with little baby things... but i feel disappointed in myself that i'm not the glowing "happy mama" that i wanted to be. i worry that my sadness will make the little kumquat sad, too. so i try not to give in too much or too long to the sorrow. i try to remind myself of all the things i have to be happy about (and right now there's something truly wonderful to be happy about)... and when all else fails, i work or i read or i sleep or, if i'm really lucky, i hang out with friends.

may i introduce...

the little milmoosk.

i know s/he's not much to look at at this point, but the good news is that s/he's there, and seems to have a heartbeat (and arms! -- note the smaller globules extending out from the two larger globules... we're still hopeful that legs will also be involved, but so far there's no photographic proof).

anyway, i breathe a huge sigh of relief. i was really convinced that the doctor was going to look at me and try to explain how i created the whole pregnancy in my head... and maybe i should be seeing a therapist (ah, but i already am!).

so far, my worst fears weren't realized, so that means i will have the guts to tell a few of my real-life friends. i'm not really sure how to do this... but i guess that's fodder for another post.

symptoms

so as someone who has been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half, i figured it would be good to note what symptoms i did -- and did not -- have when i finally got that still unbelievable + pg test. over the last two years i became very well acquainted with the symptoms that meant nothing at all... sore boobs, a little queasiness, weird tastes in my mouth.

my first and only pre-period sign was major cramping about a week before my period was due. it was the same kind of cramping i get right before the blood flows -- a nice, full-uterus cramp. it didn't last long, but it was powerful enough for me to notice it (and remember it). of course, i didn't think much of it since our bodies are wacky things and like to give us reasons to think we're pregnant even when we're most definitely not.

then after missing my period, i noticed that the boobs continued to hurt (usually they start hurting about a week before the period and get better as the period gets closer). in this case the pain migrated more to the center of the boobs... (sorry if this is tmi.) and then a few days before i tested, i noticed that i was having bad indigestion... as in my stomach was making all sorts of strange noises as i tried to fall asleep. and that was pretty much it... i tested, was shocked, and since then have started to feel kind of queasy most of the time (which is stinky 'cause i'm also pretty much hungry all of the time). oh, and tired all the time.

things i thought would happen but didn't: implantation bleeding, sore/bleeding gums, super smell, nausea. really the smelling thing i notice, but more because every smell makes me a little queasy... and that's really only started in the last week.

anyway, i doubt this list is of much interest to anyone beside myself, but i thought i'd keep it for the future.

i'm still nervous about the appointment next week, but i'm trying to keep myself distracted. thank you all for your support... it helps get me through this nerve-wracking time.

bbc gals, thanks for keeping tabs on me... i know i sort of disappeared for a while. i actually took a look for you now that i can handle babycenter again (a little), but i didn't know where to find you since i think you're long past ttc. i'd love to see photos of your little ones!

up next: a non-pg post!

the story.

first of all, i can't believe that anyone saw the last post. i really figured at this point i would be writing for myself and myself alone. you ladies are great! thank you.

so, i'm going to warn you that this might be the kind of story that makes if-ers shudder. a month ago, it would have pissed me off, too, but seeing as how i'd given up blogging and reading blogs then, i wouldn't have come across it. anyway, shortly after i gave up blogging, i gave up "trying." (i know! how annoying!) "why?" you ask.

in early june, we discovered that mil was going to have repeat his first year of med school because he failed too many blocks last year. this was heart-breaking for both of us. unfortunately, it took my therapist to throw out the crazy idea that maybe... just maybe... having a baby and going through all sorts of machinations to get there were not such a good idea right now. it took me about a day to warm up to the idea, but i realized that ultimately, mil needs this time to focus on himself and his studies this year, and having a baby is just about the most life-altering, stressful thing you can experience. how the heck is he going to perform well when there's a little person screaming all night long (i guess we'll have to figure that out).

so we called the clinic, told them to put our cycle on hold. we discussed whether we should use birth control "just in case," but neither of us were willing to go that far after all we'd been through. i exhaled... settled into life with my hubby... going to great adventure for my birthday, drinking martinis to my heart's content (which is 2 by the way). i was beginning to actually enjoy this brief reprieve from having to worry about when to have snu-snu and holding my legs up interminably after, not to mention doctor's appointments in the early a.m. so they can shove catheters up my hoo-ha.

and, true to the word of all those *sshats out there who say "just relax" and "it'll happen," it happened. a year and a half later... but it happened. i was not expecting it at all. we were on vacation when i hit the one week late mark (a mark i'd never hit before), and i just couldn't wait anymore... especially since our hosts had martinis and wine flowing all night every night. i actually just figured i should test, so i know that i can partake with abandon. turns out i couldn't. we actually had to bike to a nearby town in order to get the test when our hosts weren't around...

this was all of a week and a half ago, so i'm not too far into this (6.5 weeks to be exact). i'm still disbelieving. and seeing as how this happened without a doctor, i don't get to see the little critter (or even visit the doctor) until after 8 weeks. it seems like cruel and unusual punishment after waiting over a year and a half, but i'm happy and trying to enjoy the fact that i saw "pregnant" for once in my freakin' life. as my brother said, regardless of what happens next (which will hopefully be nothing but good), we at least know that i can turn a pee-stick blue.

anyway, that's my little story. i hope i didn't annoy anyone too much. i know that it's hard to read the blog of someone who's gotten lucky, but if you can, stick by me at least until sept 4th when i go to visit my ob-gyn.