awe

***to my friends dealing with i/f, i have to forewarn you that this post might be painful to read. i want to share this experience with you, but i know you have to protect your own emotions as well.***

i never allowed myself to expect this... and as the months of trying to conceive wore on, i began to believe that it would never happen to me... that maybe i just wasn't meant to get pregnant... i wasn't meant to create life. even after seeing that miraculous positive pregnancy test and the little human-like form moving around on the ultrasound screen, i only let myself believe a little bit. when i'd tell my friends that i was pregnant, it was often couched in conditionals... "if all goes well, we'll have a baby in april." "it seems that we are pregnant, though april is a long way off."

after so much time feeling hesitant and worrying that this might all be in my head... or somehow even after 12 then 14 then 16 then 18 weeks my little millimoosk could be taken from me... after all the fears, i've finally found some peace. i've felt the millimoosk move. s/he bounces about when i'm hungry or when i lie down in bed after a long day... sometimes just sitting at my desk s/he gives me a little tap, and i say "hello, baby!"

i finally really believe that there is a little life inside of me... a little life that will change mine in ways i have no way of conceiving. while i can't say that my worry has melted away entirely (the anatomy scan is wednesday, and we will learn more important information than just whether the millimoosk has a millipeepee), i can say that i finally feel pregnant, and it's nothing short of miraculous.

giving in to temptation

so... as you know, i've been incredibly cautious about this pregnancy. cautious, not in the sense that i won't ever eat deli meat or soft cheese, but cautious in the sense that i hate to tell people i'm pregnant for fear that i will someday have to un-tell them. in this same vein, i haven't bought any baby paraphernalia. that is until now...

i bought this for mil. because it's d*mn cute... and it's tokidoki... and it's punk rock... like he used to be before he met me and turned all yuppie.

even though we don't know what flavor this kid's going to come in (though we will hopefully find out before thanksgiving), i'm okay with the blue onsie. see the pink hair? i can always put a dab of pink manic panic on the little chica's dome (since if my genes have anything to say, there will be no hair there for a good two years). seriously, i'm not really into the little princess look for girls anyway, so i'm okay if the odd person says, "isn't he cute!". hey, a complement's a complement, and i don't think a 3-month old is likely to get a complex about it.