rollercoaster

well, don't let anyone tell you that this trying to conceive thing ain't a wild ride... i'm sure even if you get pregnant your first month of trying it's a wild ride. not that i'd know what that was like. it's a very different ride when your in month 9 (or 10 depending on how you count it) of ttc. every month seems like a very hot, crowded trip to the amusement park with an onion and chili hot dog thrown in just to keep things interesting. and i'm sure the veterans of infertility probably look at my own journey (thus far) and laugh at my innocence. so far i just have my own hormones to contend with... no shots or pills to make the stomach-lurching drops that much more exciting.

this month was no exception. of course the first two weeks are just like the long-line to the newest, fastest, baddest rollercoaster in the park. it's hot, it's long, you never expected to be surrounded by so many pimply-faced teenagers... (ok, maybe not that last part). there's the anticipation... the excitement... the fear that it may not be all it's stacked up to be... or that you'll flake out at the last minute. ultimately, no one goes to the amusement park for the line. they go for the ride. and just like the coaster, the first drop is always the best. except on this coaster, you get to have a lot of sex... and i mean, a lot. at first it's fun... the bumps, the twirls, the highs, the sighs..., but by the third or fourth baby-making session of the week, you're really ready for the ride to end. of course the temperature spike means the fun has only begun. every day your nerves start to fray a little further... (a friend reports she's just gotten pregnant with her second... and she wasn't even trying!) more than a week into it, your going to sleep early just so you can wake up and take your temperature. mysterious symptoms seem to emerge. tingling in your breasts, a nauseous, hungry feeling pursuing you all day, not to mention how you think you're smelling things you've never smelled before. a few days later your temperature takes a nosedive. (i didn't even see that drop coming!) you admit defeat. the ride must be over... and i was just starting to enjoy it. but wait, tomorrow your temperature's higher. and higher still the next day. what's this? my period's late? (oh, my, i never knew the ride went so high! i can see the ocean from here!) click... click... oh, sh*t! it's another drop! i think i lost that nasty hot dog i was eating before... and next thing you know you're back on line again.

i've seen this before...

the inevitable slippery slope of basal body temperatures. only two days ago, my heart skipped a beat when i saw 98.41 on my bbt. that was the highest it had ever been. i knew not to get my hopes up, but up they were nonetheless. i started envisioning when i'd tell my friends... how i'd tell my parents... whenever i did, i would remind myself that a high temp at 10 days past ovulation says nothing about what your temp will be at day 14.

when my temp dipped to 97.92 yesterday, i knew i was on a precipice... it could go back up from there or back down toward period-land temps. i chilled out a little, started realizing that life still probably has a few tricks up its sleeve. sure enough today it was 97.72... a good .7 drop from two days before. i've since ordered my ultra-expensive fertility monitor.... see i've still got a few tricks up my sleeve, too.

waiting

i've discovered something that makes the two week wait seem like a cakewalk... waiting to hear back about my mom's test results. i've been on edge since 11am this morning, and i can feel my heart beating out of my chest. i don't know how i'm supposed to work. my mom is having blood tests and pet scans done to see whether her chemo is still effectively eating away at her tumors. the results will either allow us a brief sigh of relief or will make us worry all the more. it doesn't help that this is happening during the two week wait -- it feels like it must be the slowest 4.5 hours of my life... ok, maybe second to the time spent waiting while my mom was in surgery, but that was 7.5 hours. i really hope they call soon. i don't know how much more of this my heart can take.

why does it have to hurt so bad

ugh... i know what i'm supposed to feel, but it doesn't seem to help. i just found out that my sister-in-law is pregnant again. i know i should be happy for them, but instead i'm just pissed. i shouldn't be pissed at them -- they didn't know that we've been trying for almost 9 months -- and it's not their fault that they're uber-fertile. it just seems so un-freaking-fair! and, yes, i know life's not fair, and i don't know why this just seems so personal, but it is. it feels like mother nature is slapping me in my face... look, your tall, thin, blonde, sorority sister-in-law can get pregnant while she's breast-feeding, and you can't even turn a line blue with all the gadgets and gizmos babycenter has to offer. i feel like i've taken care of myself my whole life -- i rarely smoked, had very few partners (like i can count 'em on one hand), i've been active and eaten well my entire life... and this is what i have to show for it... 9 months without so much as a missed period.

i know i need to get over this... jealousy doesn't make me feel any better about my chronic failure to conceive. i just have to remember that it ain't all about me... and other people's successes don't have any impact on whether i fail or succeed. and i plan to succeed... and darn it, my success will be cuter (or at least smarter) than theirs... (i'm not petty... no.)

ok, thanks for the vent. mil is off at school today, so i don't have my usual shoulder to cry on... and izzy's shoulder just isn't that big.

the blogger wastelands...

for some reason blogging has been just about the last thing on my mind this summer. getting pregnant has also seemed to take a back seat though it seems to have a more of a backseat driver kind of attitude... nagging me every time i see a pregnant woman walk down the street or get a visit from my niece. we're still trying, and i've not yet reached that ethereal line between fertile and infertile... though i'm getting closer. and i can feel it. i'm trying not to let it get me down. i've called my ob-gyn, and she said that i can start doing the tests, but she still thinks it's likely that i'll get pregnant on my own. for some reason -- even though she had nothing to base that statement on -- it made me feel a little better. i think i'll push the tests off for another month or so... if only because they're expensive, and i'm kind of cheap.

one of the good things that's been occupying my mind is that mil got into medical school (like, the m.d. kind -- yay!). and not only does that mean he's going to be able to write prescriptions in four years, but it also means that i have to figure out where the heck we're going to live. fortunately, the school is in brooklyn, so i don't have to roam too far. but i do have to get my act together and find something before september.

kellie, thanks for the good wishes! i definitely need them. i'm thinking of you ladies as well... it's strange to miss people you only knew online, but we went through a lot of ups and downs together... i'm still trying to find my way to an "up"!