no dice

first try is a wash. ah, well, i'm wondering if it was well-timed to begin with. earlier i mentioned that we would continue trying next month, but now i'm not so sure. there are so many decisions i need to make for myself right now, that bringing a wee one into the picture at this moment could only complicate. i have a hard time imagining starting a brand new career a month pregnant, only to announce it to my new boss two or three months in. i know that there are laws meant to protect pregnant employees, but i still feel like it would cause resentment and hurt my chances of moving up as quickly as i'd like to. i'm not sure... i just need to do some soul-searching and talking to mil...

am i pregnant?

there's a bulletin board over at babycenter with this title, and its the running theme in my subconscious. mil now says: you're pregnant! you're pregnant! and gesticulates toward my midsection on a regular basis. i try to remind him that just because we tried, doesn't mean we've succeeded. he only responds with: well, my guys know how to get the job done. ha! we shall see...

it's gotten really difficult to get anything done these days. i'm just eagerly awaiting saturday when i finally get to test (assuming i'm not interrupted by my .), and it's hard to think of anything else... not a good thing when you have your first job interview on thursday.

i tried to keep company with the banter on the babycenter boards, but within minutes i get dizzy from all of the sparkly, pink names and flower petals showing how far along they are in their pregnancies (or how far along they are in their cycles). i just wanted to hear someone say that sore boobs, a little nausea after eating, and a slightly icky taste in the mouth are proof positive that you are 100% pregnant. no dice, just a lot of (((((HUGS))))) and temperature readings which i have not done. i mean i'm stressed enough about this stuff -- i don't need daily temperature readings to add to my psychosis. i know these boards are not for me, but i'm not sure where else to look for proof that i'm not the only one with her head in her uterus.

19 days and counting

so we're 19 days into my cycle. we haven't officially stopped trying for the month, though there are many times we've looked at one another and said, "what the hell are we thinking?!?!" not only are we still trying for this cycle, we're still determined to try again should this cycle fail. nuts.. i say... we're completely nuts. do other people try to make babies when they're barely paying their bills and looking down the barrel of unemployment? i can't imagine that they do. anyway, i'm trying not to fall into my usual trap of thinking every little weird feeling is some sign that i'm pregnant because i've done that before and i wasn't pregnant and had very little reason to believe that i would be. now i have reason to believe that i would be, and i'm going to act as if i am just in case, but try not to believe that i am until i see two little blue lines... should they decide to appear. there. i've said it, now i just have to believe it.

caution has been thrown to the wind

or should i say the diaphragm has been thrown to the wind? the ttc has begun, and i'm a little scared. and a lot excited. who knows what will happen. last night was the first official "try," and i must say that there is something wild about doing the deed for a purpose other than pleasure. while still quite pleasureable, it's amazing to think that you could be creating a life at the same time. anyway, i thought i would keep my imaginary blog audience updated.