charting, shmarting

so, i totally took two crucial days away from the cbefm and the thermometer. saturday i got my first peak reading (yay!). then saturday night i left for california. i totally forgot to do either on sunday morning (though it's probably safe to assume that i had my second peak day), and monday morning (i.e., today) i was on a red-eye back to new york. needless to say i wouldn't have even known when to test, let alone had the space or time to do either. so here we are... sometime after peak but not knowing whether ovulation did or did not occur. ah, the mystery.

the wedding was fun, but as you can imagine a bit of a blur. i saw some old college friends (one who may or may not have been pg... something about the lack of alcohol and slightly queasy look on her face led me to believe the former). i went to target... my dream home and bought new eye-shadow... something i wear about once/year. a vaguely drunk, elderly man thought that because i was at the wedding sans husband, it was okay to request dances with me over and over again (taking time away only to harass my other dateless, female friend). i don't mind a turn around the dancefloor with a 70+ stranger every now and again, but given that i had all of 24 hours with my long-lost college friends, i thought 2-3 dances was more than enough.

the first visit

so, we went. i must admit that i was skeptical, but i liked dr. k. he wasn't an overwhelming personality, but that's not what i'm looking for in an r.e. he took a moment to ask about mil's med school and what he had done before starting -- which i thought was nice. most doctors in new york don't spare time for niceties.

dr. k's office was a bit of a mess though. the administrative staff was typical new york b*tch. i know that seems strong, but there's really no other way to describe it. people in certain service sectors in new york city generally don't bother to hide their distaste for their jobs or their distaste for you for being part of their job. the lady at the front desk was one of those people. mil didn't even bother to schedule his s.a. while he was waiting for me to take my blood tests because she was giving off a "don't talk to me cause i don't know nuh'in" kind of vibe.

the nurses on the other hand were very nice. after dr. k took a brief history, explained the basics of the process, and did my ultrasound, a nurse explained in detail the appointments i need to make during my next cycle -- and the appointment mil needs to make as well. overall, despite the b*tchy clerk, the experience was as positive as it could be. the side benefit of getting my ultrasound on day 14 (by coincidence, of course) was that i got to see a follicle about to rupture in my right ovary. that was pretty exciting (needless to say, mil and i snuck in some snu-snu later in the day). otherwise the ultrasound was uninteresting, so i guess we'll be awaiting the rest of the results...

now that it's started (and all i've paid so far is a co-pay), this seems more exciting than intimidating. i'm sure that will change as i ride this rollercoaster of i/f, but right now i feel hopeful... like i'm finally doing something to change the situation. and doing something is always better than waiting around for something to change me.

make an appointment... check

so, i've accomplished step 1. i've made an appointment with an r.e. i never actually heard back from my regular doctor, but she seemed confident in my old ob-gyn's recommendations, so i'm moving forward. mil and i are scheduled to meet dr. k a week from friday. i think i'm more nervous than i am excited. i feel like i should be relieved to be doing something finally, but i must i'm a little freaked... maybe more about the pending expenses than the procedures. i'm fortunate that i get a little bit of insurance coverage ($5k/year to be exact), but i don't know how quickly that will go. i mean an hsg can't be cheap. the website already warns of a $200 semen analysis that usually isn't covered by insurance. medication... blood work... actual doctor fees... i feel like that $5k could be gone in a matter of a few diagnostic visits -- let alone treatments. i'm a little anxious to say the least.

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last night an older woman i recently met mentioned to me that maybe i shouldn't be in such a rush to have children. to her credit, she didn't know that i was already trying or that i've been having i/f issues. i had just said that i was a little jealous that my brother has a child to help him get through our mother's death. her comment was in response to my having also mentioned that mil is currently in medical school. she brought up the difficulties of raising a child while one's spouse is so busy with work/school. i have thought about this quite a bit since my mother died... not only because of how sad it is that my child(ren) will never meet her, but also because i always thought that my mother would be able to help me raise my children while mil is in school. she would be able to be that last-minute babysitter or even a regular babysitter for one or two days a week when i'd have to work. now i have to scratch that plan. if i work (which i pretty much have to do since mil isn't really bringing home the bacon yet), i'm going to have to put my child in daycare from a pretty young age (which i've never really wanted to do). i'm also basically going to be a single parent most of the time until mil finishes his residency (um... seven years from now?!?!).

so, is the best idea to wait? wait until what? mil won't really be able to spend much time at home for another five or six years at best. if my fertility is bad now at 30, i can only imagine it will be worse in five to six years. i know ivf success rates start going down after 30, so in many ways now is the best time. in the end, i am okay with adoption. i know that. and mil is, too. but do we just want to potentially throw away what may be our only opportunity to have biological children just because it's not the ideal time? i don't think so... but it is giving me pause. any thoughts from my esteemed readers?

we're moving!

well, we're not moving the site. (i haven't succumbed to the siren-call of word-press just yet.) but, no, mil and i are actually going to be moving apartments. this is very exciting. we're been in our current 1-bedroom apartment for the last six years, and we're definitely growing out of it (if not for the reasons we really wanted to grow out of it). our stuff lines every wall of our apartment in an attempt to keep valuable floor space clear for the occasional walk to the kitchen or more-occasional attempt at yoga.

we won't be going far... to a nice, new 2-bedroom apartment that should be available sometime in april. i know that i should just be thrilled, but i'm starting to get overwhelmed by the amount of things that have to be done in preparation for the move (um, like, hiring movers).
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on the reproductive front, i've been very lax about updating my lovely little cbefm monitor. i barely touch the real thing these days because nothing is happening... well, nothing other than these lovely little chin-dumplings that have come to warn me that old lady flo is on her way into town. as i await her with little humor, i have decided that i am not waiting another month to make an appointment with an r.e. i just can't do it. i think i'm going to go to the doctor that my old ob-gyn's office recommended many moons ago. his clinic seems to have a pretty good success rate (for under 35: 109 IVF cycles --> 55% pregnancy rate --> 45% live birth rate). the rates are about as good as any of the other top centers in nyc, but with fewer overall cycles. i sent an email to my primary care doc to see if she has heard anything good/bad about the guy, so hopefully she'll second the ob-gyn's opinion and send me on my way. hopefully.

it's off to the doctor's office we go

well, not that doctor. not yet, at least. i met with my primary care doc -- whom i adore! she said she'd be happy to take a look at a list of r.e.'s on my plan if i need help finding one, but she suggested i meet with my new ob-gyn first though to get her recommendation. i already have an appointment with an ob-gyn in my pcp's practice scheduled for early april. i've decided to re-join the practice's ob-gyn department because a) they are about 2 blocks from my future residence and b) of all the ob-gyn's i've seen before, my last doctor there took on my yeast/b.v. issues most assiduously (though obviously not successfully) c) and did i mention -- they're 2 blocks from my future apartment? too bad there aren't any r.e.'s so close since it looks like i'll be seeing much more of him/her.

fun with photoshop

so, i have a wee photoshop bone in my body. i think it's close to the technophile bone, and directly descendant from the gene that made me want to play with calculators as a small child. buttons are my friends. unfortunately, none of this translates into loving to sit in front of a computer when i happen to be at work... unless i get to play with photoshop.

anyway, that said, i finally created my own little cbefm widget that lets you see where i am in my cycle. i have to show you the "peak" one because it's just so darn cute. is it just me, or do those little digital eggs just make you feel so warm and fertile inside?

unfortunately, i'm not enough of a technogeek to know how to make this cycle automatically, so at present, i have to update that little photo on a daily basis... it also means that i created 30+ jpegs of the widget, so i could cover most cases without having to go back into photoshop. if you are eager for the hard labor of updating your blog picture on a daily basis, i will be happy to send you a jpeg set corresponding to your general cbefm cycle... i just need to know what days you generally get low, high, and peak readings.

even better though would be to find someone tech savvy enough to show me how to get this to automatically update... i currently have the source file set up in layers, so i can relatively easily create a jpeg, but i'm sure that there's an easier way.
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oh, and on another note, you'd think that after 15 months of trying, i would be able to nail down my ovulation date. according to my ff.com chart, i ovulated before i got a "peak" reading on my monitor... does that make any sense? as always, your shared wisdom is appreciated.