make an appointment... check

so, i've accomplished step 1. i've made an appointment with an r.e. i never actually heard back from my regular doctor, but she seemed confident in my old ob-gyn's recommendations, so i'm moving forward. mil and i are scheduled to meet dr. k a week from friday. i think i'm more nervous than i am excited. i feel like i should be relieved to be doing something finally, but i must i'm a little freaked... maybe more about the pending expenses than the procedures. i'm fortunate that i get a little bit of insurance coverage ($5k/year to be exact), but i don't know how quickly that will go. i mean an hsg can't be cheap. the website already warns of a $200 semen analysis that usually isn't covered by insurance. medication... blood work... actual doctor fees... i feel like that $5k could be gone in a matter of a few diagnostic visits -- let alone treatments. i'm a little anxious to say the least.

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last night an older woman i recently met mentioned to me that maybe i shouldn't be in such a rush to have children. to her credit, she didn't know that i was already trying or that i've been having i/f issues. i had just said that i was a little jealous that my brother has a child to help him get through our mother's death. her comment was in response to my having also mentioned that mil is currently in medical school. she brought up the difficulties of raising a child while one's spouse is so busy with work/school. i have thought about this quite a bit since my mother died... not only because of how sad it is that my child(ren) will never meet her, but also because i always thought that my mother would be able to help me raise my children while mil is in school. she would be able to be that last-minute babysitter or even a regular babysitter for one or two days a week when i'd have to work. now i have to scratch that plan. if i work (which i pretty much have to do since mil isn't really bringing home the bacon yet), i'm going to have to put my child in daycare from a pretty young age (which i've never really wanted to do). i'm also basically going to be a single parent most of the time until mil finishes his residency (um... seven years from now?!?!).

so, is the best idea to wait? wait until what? mil won't really be able to spend much time at home for another five or six years at best. if my fertility is bad now at 30, i can only imagine it will be worse in five to six years. i know ivf success rates start going down after 30, so in many ways now is the best time. in the end, i am okay with adoption. i know that. and mil is, too. but do we just want to potentially throw away what may be our only opportunity to have biological children just because it's not the ideal time? i don't think so... but it is giving me pause. any thoughts from my esteemed readers?