so...

i think i'm going to officially go on blog hiatus. i just haven't really felt like reading or writing much about my i/f journey. it's there, but it's just a part of me, and when i think about it too much, i find that i start feeling sorry for myself. i get bitter and sad, and while i know i have to deal with that stuff, i just don't want to wallow in it. i have so much to be grateful for... my family, my husband, my friends, my life. i walk around our beautiful apartment with tears in my eyes that i can't share it with my mom or with a new baby, but then i look up and i realize it's a gorgeous day... and i can live it the way that it is, or i can feel sorry for myself that it isn't they way i pictured it would be. and, ultimately, i'm going to decide to live it the way that it is... and treasure it for what it is. that is what my mom would want me to do.

i am grateful for the connections i've made through this blog, and one day, i might return. but for the time being, this blog is growing a bit stale... and moldy, so i apologize. i will put my email in my profile in case anyone wants to keep in touch on a personal basis (emily, kate, katie, amanda, tracy... others). i will still be reading your blogs, and will comment when i can. hugs to all of you who've offered advice and encouragement!

still here

it's been a wacky few weeks. i'm debating whether i have the time to continue blogging.. especially with two separate blogs going -- my non-ttc/if blog and this one. i just don't seem to have the energy or interest to maintain it. i do like being part of the community, so i don't want to stop entirely, but i think i may want to focus on reading and commenting on others blogs more than writing in my own.


as of now, i've had my blood tests, this morning i had my hsg, and tomorrow afternoon i have my sis. all sorts of fun. so far all seems clear. mil has yet to schedule his s.a. i don't know what to say... he has a school exam on wednesday (on the reproductive and urinary systems, no less), so he really can't focus on this stuff until after. i just hope that he makes an appointment sooner rather than later, so we can get a plan before my next cycle. we shall see...

the first visit

so, we went. i must admit that i was skeptical, but i liked dr. k. he wasn't an overwhelming personality, but that's not what i'm looking for in an r.e. he took a moment to ask about mil's med school and what he had done before starting -- which i thought was nice. most doctors in new york don't spare time for niceties.

dr. k's office was a bit of a mess though. the administrative staff was typical new york b*tch. i know that seems strong, but there's really no other way to describe it. people in certain service sectors in new york city generally don't bother to hide their distaste for their jobs or their distaste for you for being part of their job. the lady at the front desk was one of those people. mil didn't even bother to schedule his s.a. while he was waiting for me to take my blood tests because she was giving off a "don't talk to me cause i don't know nuh'in" kind of vibe.

the nurses on the other hand were very nice. after dr. k took a brief history, explained the basics of the process, and did my ultrasound, a nurse explained in detail the appointments i need to make during my next cycle -- and the appointment mil needs to make as well. overall, despite the b*tchy clerk, the experience was as positive as it could be. the side benefit of getting my ultrasound on day 14 (by coincidence, of course) was that i got to see a follicle about to rupture in my right ovary. that was pretty exciting (needless to say, mil and i snuck in some snu-snu later in the day). otherwise the ultrasound was uninteresting, so i guess we'll be awaiting the rest of the results...

now that it's started (and all i've paid so far is a co-pay), this seems more exciting than intimidating. i'm sure that will change as i ride this rollercoaster of i/f, but right now i feel hopeful... like i'm finally doing something to change the situation. and doing something is always better than waiting around for something to change me.