ugh...

i feel like i've hit a new low in this ttc journey. for the first time since we tried in july, i brought out the hpt. i was only a day late, but i had not been that late in the five months we've been trying. i was pumped... i really thought this was it. i couldn't sleep all night, because i thought i would wake up in the morning to find out i was pregnant. every cramp or gas pain made me wonder if my uterus was making room for baby. of course, at 5:10am the hpt was negative.

i feel like i'm a loser on this ttc journey... six months seems like a loooong time, and i'm starting to lose it. i'm scared that i'm infertile and that i'll never be able to carry mil's baby. i don't want to go through a million procedures to get pregnant. i just want it to happen naturally... normally. it doesn't seem fair that other women get to have it so easy (for some, too easy). i've taken care of my body. i eat well, stay active... i've only smoked on rare occasions and drink in moderation. the # of partners i've had is in the low single-digits. i just always thought this would come easy... that i was meant to be a mother. and here i am, turning 30, having spent the last five months failing to get pregnant...

on a positive note, i have some d*mn cute new shoes.