may i introduce...

the little milmoosk.

i know s/he's not much to look at at this point, but the good news is that s/he's there, and seems to have a heartbeat (and arms! -- note the smaller globules extending out from the two larger globules... we're still hopeful that legs will also be involved, but so far there's no photographic proof).

anyway, i breathe a huge sigh of relief. i was really convinced that the doctor was going to look at me and try to explain how i created the whole pregnancy in my head... and maybe i should be seeing a therapist (ah, but i already am!).

so far, my worst fears weren't realized, so that means i will have the guts to tell a few of my real-life friends. i'm not really sure how to do this... but i guess that's fodder for another post.

so, i was going to write this post yesterday... or the day before, but then i couldn't think of a title for it. so i didn't. anyway, i've decided that it doesn't need a title, so here goes.

last weekend i saw "vicky christina barcelona." not a catchy title, i know. it's woody allen's newest enterprise, and surprisingly enough, it's set in barcelona. it hasn't been incredibly well reviewed, and for perhaps good reason. it doesn't have much in the way of a plot. two american girls go to barcelona for a summer and meet a sexy spaniard who wants to fly them off to a small spanish town, so they can enjoy art and making love together. the girls are of two minds, one finds the invitation exciting and intriguing while the other finds it deplorable and disgusting. much confusion and passionate love-making ensue. a brazen and more-than-a-little-crazy penelope cruz enters the scene, and more confusion and passionate love-making -- and a little violence -- ensues. you pretty much get this all from the trailer.

anyway, the bottom line is that i liked it. i actually recommend it. i didn't expect to. sexy romps aren't really my thing... though sexy romps in exotic locales is a little more my speed. the real interest for me, however, was the girl who was against running off with locals to undisclosed locations. that is me. totally. i am practical. i expect that strangers are capable of killing you and leaving your remains at the side of the road... or at least giving you a nasty std. but when i was watching the movie, i kept thinking, "go! ... have fun! ... live a little! stop being so dang practical!"

of course this is a movie, there are no repercussions for me if the two girls are never seen again. but it was weird feeling -- that tug against my practical side... being annoyed by the practicality of it all. it was somewhat liberating to see what could be if you take a chance... do something a bit crazy and impractical.

it made me realize that in many ways, i limit myself by being so reasonable.. so responsible. i wonder if my job dissatisfaction comes from that same place. that maybe if i was willing to take more of a risk, i'd find myself doing something that i love... opening a cafe or baking or being a photographer... it all takes a leap, and i've never been one to leap... i take little practical steps, and so far, at least professionally, those little steps haven't taken me anywhere interesting.

symptoms

so as someone who has been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half, i figured it would be good to note what symptoms i did -- and did not -- have when i finally got that still unbelievable + pg test. over the last two years i became very well acquainted with the symptoms that meant nothing at all... sore boobs, a little queasiness, weird tastes in my mouth.

my first and only pre-period sign was major cramping about a week before my period was due. it was the same kind of cramping i get right before the blood flows -- a nice, full-uterus cramp. it didn't last long, but it was powerful enough for me to notice it (and remember it). of course, i didn't think much of it since our bodies are wacky things and like to give us reasons to think we're pregnant even when we're most definitely not.

then after missing my period, i noticed that the boobs continued to hurt (usually they start hurting about a week before the period and get better as the period gets closer). in this case the pain migrated more to the center of the boobs... (sorry if this is tmi.) and then a few days before i tested, i noticed that i was having bad indigestion... as in my stomach was making all sorts of strange noises as i tried to fall asleep. and that was pretty much it... i tested, was shocked, and since then have started to feel kind of queasy most of the time (which is stinky 'cause i'm also pretty much hungry all of the time). oh, and tired all the time.

things i thought would happen but didn't: implantation bleeding, sore/bleeding gums, super smell, nausea. really the smelling thing i notice, but more because every smell makes me a little queasy... and that's really only started in the last week.

anyway, i doubt this list is of much interest to anyone beside myself, but i thought i'd keep it for the future.

i'm still nervous about the appointment next week, but i'm trying to keep myself distracted. thank you all for your support... it helps get me through this nerve-wracking time.

bbc gals, thanks for keeping tabs on me... i know i sort of disappeared for a while. i actually took a look for you now that i can handle babycenter again (a little), but i didn't know where to find you since i think you're long past ttc. i'd love to see photos of your little ones!

up next: a non-pg post!

the story.

first of all, i can't believe that anyone saw the last post. i really figured at this point i would be writing for myself and myself alone. you ladies are great! thank you.

so, i'm going to warn you that this might be the kind of story that makes if-ers shudder. a month ago, it would have pissed me off, too, but seeing as how i'd given up blogging and reading blogs then, i wouldn't have come across it. anyway, shortly after i gave up blogging, i gave up "trying." (i know! how annoying!) "why?" you ask.

in early june, we discovered that mil was going to have repeat his first year of med school because he failed too many blocks last year. this was heart-breaking for both of us. unfortunately, it took my therapist to throw out the crazy idea that maybe... just maybe... having a baby and going through all sorts of machinations to get there were not such a good idea right now. it took me about a day to warm up to the idea, but i realized that ultimately, mil needs this time to focus on himself and his studies this year, and having a baby is just about the most life-altering, stressful thing you can experience. how the heck is he going to perform well when there's a little person screaming all night long (i guess we'll have to figure that out).

so we called the clinic, told them to put our cycle on hold. we discussed whether we should use birth control "just in case," but neither of us were willing to go that far after all we'd been through. i exhaled... settled into life with my hubby... going to great adventure for my birthday, drinking martinis to my heart's content (which is 2 by the way). i was beginning to actually enjoy this brief reprieve from having to worry about when to have snu-snu and holding my legs up interminably after, not to mention doctor's appointments in the early a.m. so they can shove catheters up my hoo-ha.

and, true to the word of all those *sshats out there who say "just relax" and "it'll happen," it happened. a year and a half later... but it happened. i was not expecting it at all. we were on vacation when i hit the one week late mark (a mark i'd never hit before), and i just couldn't wait anymore... especially since our hosts had martinis and wine flowing all night every night. i actually just figured i should test, so i know that i can partake with abandon. turns out i couldn't. we actually had to bike to a nearby town in order to get the test when our hosts weren't around...

this was all of a week and a half ago, so i'm not too far into this (6.5 weeks to be exact). i'm still disbelieving. and seeing as how this happened without a doctor, i don't get to see the little critter (or even visit the doctor) until after 8 weeks. it seems like cruel and unusual punishment after waiting over a year and a half, but i'm happy and trying to enjoy the fact that i saw "pregnant" for once in my freakin' life. as my brother said, regardless of what happens next (which will hopefully be nothing but good), we at least know that i can turn a pee-stick blue.

anyway, that's my little story. i hope i didn't annoy anyone too much. i know that it's hard to read the blog of someone who's gotten lucky, but if you can, stick by me at least until sept 4th when i go to visit my ob-gyn.

all was quiet on the eastern front...

...until i saw a pee stick that said "pregnant."

so...

i think i'm going to officially go on blog hiatus. i just haven't really felt like reading or writing much about my i/f journey. it's there, but it's just a part of me, and when i think about it too much, i find that i start feeling sorry for myself. i get bitter and sad, and while i know i have to deal with that stuff, i just don't want to wallow in it. i have so much to be grateful for... my family, my husband, my friends, my life. i walk around our beautiful apartment with tears in my eyes that i can't share it with my mom or with a new baby, but then i look up and i realize it's a gorgeous day... and i can live it the way that it is, or i can feel sorry for myself that it isn't they way i pictured it would be. and, ultimately, i'm going to decide to live it the way that it is... and treasure it for what it is. that is what my mom would want me to do.

i am grateful for the connections i've made through this blog, and one day, i might return. but for the time being, this blog is growing a bit stale... and moldy, so i apologize. i will put my email in my profile in case anyone wants to keep in touch on a personal basis (emily, kate, katie, amanda, tracy... others). i will still be reading your blogs, and will comment when i can. hugs to all of you who've offered advice and encouragement!

admission

so, i guess i should admit it. i'm not doing anything this month... no pee sticks, no cbefm, no temping. i probably should be, but i just have lost interest. i figure i'll save the cbefm sticks for when i'm doing something new. nothing new this month. we haven't even been able to snu-snu since i've had these various tests. (though i'm still somewhat hopeful that we will as we get closer to the middle of the month... i don't actually know how long i'm supposed to wait after an s.i.s.... i guess i should call the doctor's office.)

all seems to be well on my side. no abnormalities on any of the tests, but mil has yet to do his s.a. he's scheduled for the 7th... yes, the 7th... as in 2 weeks from now. as in, we won't be able to start any kind of treatments until a whole 'nother month after this one. this kind of irritates me because he said that he would call to schedule something after our appointment in march, and didn't call anyone until yesterday. i know he's in medschool, and i know that studying is important, but i couldn't even remind him without him getting on my case. ok, so maybe i'm more than a little irritated. i know it will all happen in its own time. and i'm sure that he can't be excited about the prospect that it's looking like the problems might be on his side (though i remind him regularly how often infertility is totally unexplained). i am happy that my female organs seem to be in good working order... even if it makes the diagnosis more difficult. i don't even know what they do for male factor infertility. or with unexplained infertility... i guess i should look it up. surely, many folks have traveled this road before me. i mean, that's what the internet is for, isn't it?

thanks for the support!

still here

it's been a wacky few weeks. i'm debating whether i have the time to continue blogging.. especially with two separate blogs going -- my non-ttc/if blog and this one. i just don't seem to have the energy or interest to maintain it. i do like being part of the community, so i don't want to stop entirely, but i think i may want to focus on reading and commenting on others blogs more than writing in my own.


as of now, i've had my blood tests, this morning i had my hsg, and tomorrow afternoon i have my sis. all sorts of fun. so far all seems clear. mil has yet to schedule his s.a. i don't know what to say... he has a school exam on wednesday (on the reproductive and urinary systems, no less), so he really can't focus on this stuff until after. i just hope that he makes an appointment sooner rather than later, so we can get a plan before my next cycle. we shall see...

charting, shmarting

so, i totally took two crucial days away from the cbefm and the thermometer. saturday i got my first peak reading (yay!). then saturday night i left for california. i totally forgot to do either on sunday morning (though it's probably safe to assume that i had my second peak day), and monday morning (i.e., today) i was on a red-eye back to new york. needless to say i wouldn't have even known when to test, let alone had the space or time to do either. so here we are... sometime after peak but not knowing whether ovulation did or did not occur. ah, the mystery.

the wedding was fun, but as you can imagine a bit of a blur. i saw some old college friends (one who may or may not have been pg... something about the lack of alcohol and slightly queasy look on her face led me to believe the former). i went to target... my dream home and bought new eye-shadow... something i wear about once/year. a vaguely drunk, elderly man thought that because i was at the wedding sans husband, it was okay to request dances with me over and over again (taking time away only to harass my other dateless, female friend). i don't mind a turn around the dancefloor with a 70+ stranger every now and again, but given that i had all of 24 hours with my long-lost college friends, i thought 2-3 dances was more than enough.

the first visit

so, we went. i must admit that i was skeptical, but i liked dr. k. he wasn't an overwhelming personality, but that's not what i'm looking for in an r.e. he took a moment to ask about mil's med school and what he had done before starting -- which i thought was nice. most doctors in new york don't spare time for niceties.

dr. k's office was a bit of a mess though. the administrative staff was typical new york b*tch. i know that seems strong, but there's really no other way to describe it. people in certain service sectors in new york city generally don't bother to hide their distaste for their jobs or their distaste for you for being part of their job. the lady at the front desk was one of those people. mil didn't even bother to schedule his s.a. while he was waiting for me to take my blood tests because she was giving off a "don't talk to me cause i don't know nuh'in" kind of vibe.

the nurses on the other hand were very nice. after dr. k took a brief history, explained the basics of the process, and did my ultrasound, a nurse explained in detail the appointments i need to make during my next cycle -- and the appointment mil needs to make as well. overall, despite the b*tchy clerk, the experience was as positive as it could be. the side benefit of getting my ultrasound on day 14 (by coincidence, of course) was that i got to see a follicle about to rupture in my right ovary. that was pretty exciting (needless to say, mil and i snuck in some snu-snu later in the day). otherwise the ultrasound was uninteresting, so i guess we'll be awaiting the rest of the results...

now that it's started (and all i've paid so far is a co-pay), this seems more exciting than intimidating. i'm sure that will change as i ride this rollercoaster of i/f, but right now i feel hopeful... like i'm finally doing something to change the situation. and doing something is always better than waiting around for something to change me.

make an appointment... check

so, i've accomplished step 1. i've made an appointment with an r.e. i never actually heard back from my regular doctor, but she seemed confident in my old ob-gyn's recommendations, so i'm moving forward. mil and i are scheduled to meet dr. k a week from friday. i think i'm more nervous than i am excited. i feel like i should be relieved to be doing something finally, but i must i'm a little freaked... maybe more about the pending expenses than the procedures. i'm fortunate that i get a little bit of insurance coverage ($5k/year to be exact), but i don't know how quickly that will go. i mean an hsg can't be cheap. the website already warns of a $200 semen analysis that usually isn't covered by insurance. medication... blood work... actual doctor fees... i feel like that $5k could be gone in a matter of a few diagnostic visits -- let alone treatments. i'm a little anxious to say the least.

**

last night an older woman i recently met mentioned to me that maybe i shouldn't be in such a rush to have children. to her credit, she didn't know that i was already trying or that i've been having i/f issues. i had just said that i was a little jealous that my brother has a child to help him get through our mother's death. her comment was in response to my having also mentioned that mil is currently in medical school. she brought up the difficulties of raising a child while one's spouse is so busy with work/school. i have thought about this quite a bit since my mother died... not only because of how sad it is that my child(ren) will never meet her, but also because i always thought that my mother would be able to help me raise my children while mil is in school. she would be able to be that last-minute babysitter or even a regular babysitter for one or two days a week when i'd have to work. now i have to scratch that plan. if i work (which i pretty much have to do since mil isn't really bringing home the bacon yet), i'm going to have to put my child in daycare from a pretty young age (which i've never really wanted to do). i'm also basically going to be a single parent most of the time until mil finishes his residency (um... seven years from now?!?!).

so, is the best idea to wait? wait until what? mil won't really be able to spend much time at home for another five or six years at best. if my fertility is bad now at 30, i can only imagine it will be worse in five to six years. i know ivf success rates start going down after 30, so in many ways now is the best time. in the end, i am okay with adoption. i know that. and mil is, too. but do we just want to potentially throw away what may be our only opportunity to have biological children just because it's not the ideal time? i don't think so... but it is giving me pause. any thoughts from my esteemed readers?

we're moving!

well, we're not moving the site. (i haven't succumbed to the siren-call of word-press just yet.) but, no, mil and i are actually going to be moving apartments. this is very exciting. we're been in our current 1-bedroom apartment for the last six years, and we're definitely growing out of it (if not for the reasons we really wanted to grow out of it). our stuff lines every wall of our apartment in an attempt to keep valuable floor space clear for the occasional walk to the kitchen or more-occasional attempt at yoga.

we won't be going far... to a nice, new 2-bedroom apartment that should be available sometime in april. i know that i should just be thrilled, but i'm starting to get overwhelmed by the amount of things that have to be done in preparation for the move (um, like, hiring movers).
**
on the reproductive front, i've been very lax about updating my lovely little cbefm monitor. i barely touch the real thing these days because nothing is happening... well, nothing other than these lovely little chin-dumplings that have come to warn me that old lady flo is on her way into town. as i await her with little humor, i have decided that i am not waiting another month to make an appointment with an r.e. i just can't do it. i think i'm going to go to the doctor that my old ob-gyn's office recommended many moons ago. his clinic seems to have a pretty good success rate (for under 35: 109 IVF cycles --> 55% pregnancy rate --> 45% live birth rate). the rates are about as good as any of the other top centers in nyc, but with fewer overall cycles. i sent an email to my primary care doc to see if she has heard anything good/bad about the guy, so hopefully she'll second the ob-gyn's opinion and send me on my way. hopefully.

it's off to the doctor's office we go

well, not that doctor. not yet, at least. i met with my primary care doc -- whom i adore! she said she'd be happy to take a look at a list of r.e.'s on my plan if i need help finding one, but she suggested i meet with my new ob-gyn first though to get her recommendation. i already have an appointment with an ob-gyn in my pcp's practice scheduled for early april. i've decided to re-join the practice's ob-gyn department because a) they are about 2 blocks from my future residence and b) of all the ob-gyn's i've seen before, my last doctor there took on my yeast/b.v. issues most assiduously (though obviously not successfully) c) and did i mention -- they're 2 blocks from my future apartment? too bad there aren't any r.e.'s so close since it looks like i'll be seeing much more of him/her.

fun with photoshop

so, i have a wee photoshop bone in my body. i think it's close to the technophile bone, and directly descendant from the gene that made me want to play with calculators as a small child. buttons are my friends. unfortunately, none of this translates into loving to sit in front of a computer when i happen to be at work... unless i get to play with photoshop.

anyway, that said, i finally created my own little cbefm widget that lets you see where i am in my cycle. i have to show you the "peak" one because it's just so darn cute. is it just me, or do those little digital eggs just make you feel so warm and fertile inside?

unfortunately, i'm not enough of a technogeek to know how to make this cycle automatically, so at present, i have to update that little photo on a daily basis... it also means that i created 30+ jpegs of the widget, so i could cover most cases without having to go back into photoshop. if you are eager for the hard labor of updating your blog picture on a daily basis, i will be happy to send you a jpeg set corresponding to your general cbefm cycle... i just need to know what days you generally get low, high, and peak readings.

even better though would be to find someone tech savvy enough to show me how to get this to automatically update... i currently have the source file set up in layers, so i can relatively easily create a jpeg, but i'm sure that there's an easier way.
**
oh, and on another note, you'd think that after 15 months of trying, i would be able to nail down my ovulation date. according to my ff.com chart, i ovulated before i got a "peak" reading on my monitor... does that make any sense? as always, your shared wisdom is appreciated.

possibly fertile

so it appears that i am "possibly fertile." thankfully my monitor decided to display something other than "low" yesterday, so mil and i got down with the snu-snu. i've decided that "dancing" and "baby dancing" imply a certain spontaneity and an expectation that the "dancing" will result in a baby that no longer really applies to the situation. my calling mil at school in the afternoon to report a "high" reading on my cbefm, does not good foreplay make. don't get me wrong, we try to take the time to enjoy eachother's company, but knowing that you have to snu-snu takes away a certain romance from the act. of course, i'm not the first i.f. person to note this phenomenon... in fact, many a fertile woman has bemoaned the militant timing that goes into the "baby dance" as well. fortunately, the stars aligned, and i was in the mood at the same time the cbefm pronounced me of "high" (ha!) fertility, so a good time was had by all. (for some splendid reason, mil still only needs the suggestion of snu-snu to get in the mood.)

on another note, i finally told my brother that mil and i were having difficulty producing offspring the old-fashioned way. it was good to tell him... at least it might explain some of my bizarre and unexpected reactions to his "good news" that his wife is still blissfully pregnant and they saw the little wiglet on the ultrasound. don't get me wrong, i was very happy for them -- i want them to have a healthy and uneventful pregnancy, so i can have another niece/nephew to shower with all of the affection i can't yet give my own children, but i can't quite force the level of enthusiasm i know my brother wants and needs now that my mother is gone. hopefully, my explanation at least puts some pieces together for him and will offer me a little reprieve from questions as to when mil and i will start having kids of our own.

things that make you go "hmm..?"

so, it's cd 13, and i'm still getting a "low" reading on my cbefm... this is weird. the last 3 times i used this little contraption, i've had a high reading by cd 11. what could this mean? i'm temping as well, so i guess i'll have a back-up if it's the cbefm on the fritz... but that obviously doesn't help me predict my ovulation. i'm not gonna worry yet. maybe i'm just having a wonky cycle.

i have another question for the group. this is one of those questions that reminds me why i haven't invited my irl friends/family to read this blog, and if you're not comfortable with bodily fluid talk, you may want to stop here. anyway, to get to the point, i have had pretty much constant, mild yeast infections/bv since i had to take multiple antibiotics years ago for recurrent tonsillitis. i was just reading that bv can lead to pid (which i don't think i have but will ask my doctor about on my next visit) which can cause serious i.f. problems, but has anyone else had/heard of i.f. issues stemming from one or the other of these infections? just curious... i asked my ob-gyn if she thought this might cause fertility problems when i saw her last year, but she shrugged her shoulders and said, "shouldn't be a problem." (this is why i'm looking for a new ob-gyn... grr.)

back

so, i'm back from vail. my dad, brother, and i went for a brief ski trip -- that started out as a business meeting. fortunately the business meeting was canceled, so we got to spend all three days on the slopes. yay! the weather and the snow were pretty much perfect, so it was a great escape from the city crowds... albeit a very brief escape.

mil has agreed to starting the i.f. diagnostics sooner rather than later, assuming that we can find a clinic that will see us at off hours. i hope that there's someplace nearby that will do that because the poor guy has a busy enough schedule... he doesn't need to be making trips back to manhattan in the middle of the day just to wank into a cup. that wouldn't be fun. then again, who said that any of this is fun.

i have an annual check-up with my primary care doc early next month, so i will talk to her about all of this, and hopefully she can hook me up with a doctor and a lab (thanks for the tip, katie!) that's on our insurance... and hopefully meets some of the other qualifications you ladies mentioned. thank you for the advice! i'm ready to get this train out of the station. in the meantime, i'm trying to remember to take my temp in the morning and check my hormones on the little cbefm. you know they should make a little cbefm ticker, so you can show your daily reading... that would be fun!

***
update: i've added a fertility friend ticker at the bottom of the page in case you are curious as to where i am in my cycle (this will have to do until i can create my own little cbefm monitor tracker), and i've added a little news widget on the side. i'm pretty impressed that all i had to type in was "infertility" and suddenly i have a little rss news feed on the side of my blog... pretty cool.

cramps

cramps this month seem worse than ever... i don't know if it's psychological (a third close family friend announced her pregnancy this weekend) or physical... af came with a vengeance this morning with nary a warning spot. month 15 of trying by my count... i think we've played the odds, and they are no longer in our favor. bad luck and poor timing can't account for an 0 and 15 record. something else is at work here, and i'm ready to figure out what it is. i think i'm going to have a little chat with mil to see if we can move up our schedule without negatively affecting his schoolwork. the summer just seems an eternity away.

how did you go about finding your r.e.? any suggestions on where to start? i have an appointment with my primary care doctor in march. i think i may just ask her for a referral since i'll need one to utilize my puny insurance coverage anyway.

randomness

does anyone else use google for spellcheck?

any other folks salivating over the iphone? i lost (i.e., left) my ipod on a flight from houston to ny, and i've been wanting an iphone ever since. i'm trying to hold out until they have at least 32gb of storage, but it's proving quite difficult. the adult in me knows it's stupid to buy now, but the technophile in me is just saying: gimme, gimme, gimme.

speaking of the technophile in me... have you guys seen these? so cute! must have one!

wow, i don't know what i'm going to do when i have to start paying for i/f treatments. i'll have to learn self-restraint. what's funny, is that my area of psych research is on delay of gratification. i'm a prime example of what not to do.

ah... tuesday

supertuesday, in fact. have you voted? i hope so! (then again, some of you can't) so exciting... i'm in the fortunate position to have to choose between two decent candidates. such a rare treat.

mil and i have given this month the old college try. maybe life will surprise me, but for some reason i tend to doubt it. i've already bought a new box of tampons, so clearly my hopes are low. i think if mil were able, i'd start this i/f treatment stuff right now. but, alas, he's still knee-deep in biochemistry books.

based on my imperfect memory, i'd guess i'm on cd 21... about 6-8 dpo. on day 14, i started taking some lh tests, and since they were just getting lighter and lighter, i decided to take my temperature to discover that i'd already ovulated. yay! fortunately, mil and i had been taking care of business earlier in the week just in case. if you can't tell, i'll probably be cracking open that cbefm again next month... enough of this taking it easy, i want to get pregnant d*mmit! (oh, and just to make matters more annoying, i got a call from a close family friend who got married a year after us -- she's pregnant! yay! ...grumble.)