moving on

so, now that this gestation is far from a secret and my infertility problems, while still a specter for the future, are not foremost on my mind, i think i'm going to condense my two blogs into one. i'm just not prolific enough to fill two blogs... heck, i'm lucky to keep up with one on a remotely consistent basis. for now, i've decided that my one blog will be my more public blog (i.e., the one my non-blog/internet friends occasionally check). that way, i can keep this as a back-up, not-so-public blog should the need arise in the future, and my "irl" friends needn't run into more information than they care to know about my biological functions.

so if you're still interested in keeping-up (at least insofar as i keep up the blogging) with moosk, come see me at elegy to lost youth.

puttering around

i'm still here, and miss millimoosk is as well. she's expanding, and so am i. it's all good. work has been busy -- which i blame for some of my silence. i've also been trying to catch-up on my knitting projects, so that i have a chance to knit something for my own bundle of joy before she arrives. i'm realizing that my first niece will have had the best of my needles because i've gotten less and less prolific with my knitting in recent months (years). i guess if she turns out to be an easy baby (please be an easy baby!), i might have a little time to catch-up once she's here, but i'm not betting on it.

while i continuously knock on wood, i will report that so far, this pregnancy has been relatively uneventful. there was a brief period of spotting in the second trimester, but that was apparently due to some activities her father and i partook in, and had nothing to do with any baby troubles. now she's moving up a storm, reminding me that she's in there and getting bigger and stronger every day. i still love it even though she is capable of a nice kick to the kidneys every now and again. though i still worry that somehow she'll be taken from me, i realize that that fear is mostly irrational. my more realistic fear is that she'll get too comfortable in the transverse position and choose not to put her head where it belongs come delivery time. obviously, this, i can deal with.

oh, one thing that i've realized i hadn't given much thought to before i got pregnant (and perhaps even before being 20 weeks pregnant, since i still didn't quite believe that i might be giving birth) was how and where i wanted to deliver. yeah, i always thought i wanted to try a drug-free birth, maybe in a hospital with a birthing center, but i didn't realize how early on i needed to be looking into this. i really like my ob-gyn -- i had started seeing her shortly before i got pregnant, but now that i'm getting closer to due-day, i'm wondering if she -- and more specifically, her hospital -- are the best fit for me. i just watched "the business of being born," and i realize how much the hospital you deliver in can influence your birth experience. i am not so worried that i want to change doctors and hospitals this late in the game (there are many things i like about both), but i am glad that i have hired a doula who will be committed to my birth plan and my goals for this delivery. it's a bit of an extravagance, but if i am able to have a drug-free birth where i feel in charge of the process, it will be 100% worth it. but i also realize, that if i'd seriously thought about these things earlier on, i could have avoided that expense and hired a midwife at a hospital birthing center instead. ah, well...

ultimately, my primary goal is that baby and i make it though safe and sound, and i think this hospital will be very good in that regard.

so...

true to moosk form, i am incredibly delayed in this announcement, but after a little knickering about with the u/s transmitter, we discovered that the fetal one has little girl bits! i am glad that she was willing to reveal to us her gender if only so i can stop calling her "it." i am so pleased with her, in fact, that i'm willing to forgive her for making me trek across to the east side three times in the hopes of getting a glimpse of the left side of her heart. apparently, doctors are very adamant about wanting to have photographic evidence of both sides of the heart, and they refuse to take "no" from a fetus. despite various shakes, pokes, and gymnastic efforts on my part, she refused to move to the proper position, meaning that i have to arrange for a fetal echocardiogram in order to get this very important photo op. funny, i picked my o.b. in part because her office is all of two blocks from our apartment, but it seems i spend half of the time going to the hospital on the opposite side of town. and since i am generally a cheapskate, that means i either have to walk there (a good 45min - 1hr) or take the bus (also a good 45min - 1hr). grr. of course, it's all worth it, it's just funny that this little person can already have such a stubborn personality... kinda like someone else i know... :)

awe

***to my friends dealing with i/f, i have to forewarn you that this post might be painful to read. i want to share this experience with you, but i know you have to protect your own emotions as well.***

i never allowed myself to expect this... and as the months of trying to conceive wore on, i began to believe that it would never happen to me... that maybe i just wasn't meant to get pregnant... i wasn't meant to create life. even after seeing that miraculous positive pregnancy test and the little human-like form moving around on the ultrasound screen, i only let myself believe a little bit. when i'd tell my friends that i was pregnant, it was often couched in conditionals... "if all goes well, we'll have a baby in april." "it seems that we are pregnant, though april is a long way off."

after so much time feeling hesitant and worrying that this might all be in my head... or somehow even after 12 then 14 then 16 then 18 weeks my little millimoosk could be taken from me... after all the fears, i've finally found some peace. i've felt the millimoosk move. s/he bounces about when i'm hungry or when i lie down in bed after a long day... sometimes just sitting at my desk s/he gives me a little tap, and i say "hello, baby!"

i finally really believe that there is a little life inside of me... a little life that will change mine in ways i have no way of conceiving. while i can't say that my worry has melted away entirely (the anatomy scan is wednesday, and we will learn more important information than just whether the millimoosk has a millipeepee), i can say that i finally feel pregnant, and it's nothing short of miraculous.

giving in to temptation

so... as you know, i've been incredibly cautious about this pregnancy. cautious, not in the sense that i won't ever eat deli meat or soft cheese, but cautious in the sense that i hate to tell people i'm pregnant for fear that i will someday have to un-tell them. in this same vein, i haven't bought any baby paraphernalia. that is until now...

i bought this for mil. because it's d*mn cute... and it's tokidoki... and it's punk rock... like he used to be before he met me and turned all yuppie.

even though we don't know what flavor this kid's going to come in (though we will hopefully find out before thanksgiving), i'm okay with the blue onsie. see the pink hair? i can always put a dab of pink manic panic on the little chica's dome (since if my genes have anything to say, there will be no hair there for a good two years). seriously, i'm not really into the little princess look for girls anyway, so i'm okay if the odd person says, "isn't he cute!". hey, a complement's a complement, and i don't think a 3-month old is likely to get a complex about it.

remember me?

hi! i'm moosk. i used to live here, but now i only visit a couple of times a year. it's just like when i went off to college!

i have no real excuse. i've been tired. work's been busy. i've been on a computer diet... they're all kind of true. i've been reading your blogs as much as possible, but not feeling witty enough to leave a comment.

some stuff has happened since i last wrote. i have a new niece, and she's super cute. in combination with her older sister, they're pretty much irresistible. i didn't expect to be so instantly smitten with #2, since i'd already fallen so hard for #1. and everyone knows a 2-year-old is more fun than a newborn (don't they?). but seriously, this newborn was just a ball of snuggly cuddles, and i didn't even have to chase her down to get her to go to sleep! i also had the good fortune to be holding this beautiful newborn and dreaming of the special newborn that was growing inside my own body...

this doesn't mean i've shed all of my fears for my own little one. i still grow more anxious in the days leading up to my next ob appt... start imagining scenarios that i know aren't healthy. last night i barely slept. and when i did i had fitful dreams about the milimoosk (and some kind of nightmare where sarah palin turned out to be my college professor, and i was scared she would find out all of the nasty things i'd said about her). my next appointment is this wednesday. i have no real reason to fear. i've had a few little cramps that worried me, and my belly still ain't looking all too pregnant, but i don't think either of those are reasons to believe anything less than ordinary is going on.

oh, i realize that i didn't even post after my last appt. jeez, i stink. well, that one went well (or i probably would have written). milimoosk seems to be growing on target and has a very low probability of having downs or the trisomies. and, um s/he's freakin' cute! i swear! even at 3 inches, you couldn't doubt that this is a cute little critter. every time i look at the u/s picture, i say, "aw, you're so darn cute!" and tickle her/his belly on the photo before realizing this little thing is inside of me. so, yeah, i'm a little biased, and despite my fears i'm definitely getting attached. who knows, maybe after the next appointment, i might even buy a baby-thing (though i already have piles of hand-me-down maternity wear, i have yet to get a single baby-thing. i guess it's the jewish part of me*).

and, finally, the most important thing that's happened to me since i last wrote: i baked red-velvet cupcakes!** (photos to come!) i hadn't baked since before i found out i was pregnant (and i've hardly cooked either).

* jewish tradition is very superstitious about buying anything before the baby is born. i imagine that makes for a very hectic day-after!

**ok, so maybe not the most important thing, but they are dang good.

side note: ticker

so, i caved in and got the little pregnancy widget. i hope this doesn't annoy any of my friends dealing with i/f. i put it down at the bottom, so it isn't staring you in the face when you link to my blog, but if you want to check it out (which really who would other than me?), you can.

not quite mia

sorry about that. between the exhaustion... and well, the exhaustion, i haven't really had time to post. i've been spending as few non-working hours in front of the computer as possible (hence this post from work -- sorry work!).

so, even though i've seen the heartbeat, and have some confirmation that i wasn't making the whole thing up, i'm still pretty anxious about this being pregnant thing. i know it's natural. but still, with every friend i tell, i think, "okay, who would i ask to tell that person if something happened to the baby?" i know i shouldn't think like that, but it still doesn't seem real, and i'm hoping that the 12-week ultrasound will help knock some sense into me. other people are happy for me, and i know somewhere deep down i'm super excited, but the anxiety and the sorrow seem to dull the euphoria.

the sorrow is more painful than the worry. ever since i found out i was pregnant, i've been missing my mom like a lost limb... i've cried in the shower... i've cried myself to sleep. i just can't seem to digest the fact that my mom won't be here for this... isn't here for this. i picture her excitement just over the fact that we were going to start "trying" a year and a half ago. she was already saying what a great dad mil would make. i know she wouldn't be able to restrain herself from calling constantly to check on my symptoms. she'd assure me when i start to worry that my breasts don't seem that much bigger. we'd compare her symptoms to mine. she definitely would have already bought some little bit of baby cuteness despite my fears and gentle pleas that she wait till the second trimester. perhaps that's why this doesn't seem real. i had a picture in my head of how this would happen. i'd take the test with mil... i'd call my mom, and she would tell the world before i'd even have a chance to call my brother. she would coddle me, and comfort me, and spoil me with attention. for some reason, without her excitement and companionship, the whole "having a baby" thing -- which i've dreamed of for so long -- seems lonely and empty.

i know that this will pass (to some degree)... as i begin to feel the baby move, as we start to fill our home with little baby things... but i feel disappointed in myself that i'm not the glowing "happy mama" that i wanted to be. i worry that my sadness will make the little kumquat sad, too. so i try not to give in too much or too long to the sorrow. i try to remind myself of all the things i have to be happy about (and right now there's something truly wonderful to be happy about)... and when all else fails, i work or i read or i sleep or, if i'm really lucky, i hang out with friends.

may i introduce...

the little milmoosk.

i know s/he's not much to look at at this point, but the good news is that s/he's there, and seems to have a heartbeat (and arms! -- note the smaller globules extending out from the two larger globules... we're still hopeful that legs will also be involved, but so far there's no photographic proof).

anyway, i breathe a huge sigh of relief. i was really convinced that the doctor was going to look at me and try to explain how i created the whole pregnancy in my head... and maybe i should be seeing a therapist (ah, but i already am!).

so far, my worst fears weren't realized, so that means i will have the guts to tell a few of my real-life friends. i'm not really sure how to do this... but i guess that's fodder for another post.

so, i was going to write this post yesterday... or the day before, but then i couldn't think of a title for it. so i didn't. anyway, i've decided that it doesn't need a title, so here goes.

last weekend i saw "vicky christina barcelona." not a catchy title, i know. it's woody allen's newest enterprise, and surprisingly enough, it's set in barcelona. it hasn't been incredibly well reviewed, and for perhaps good reason. it doesn't have much in the way of a plot. two american girls go to barcelona for a summer and meet a sexy spaniard who wants to fly them off to a small spanish town, so they can enjoy art and making love together. the girls are of two minds, one finds the invitation exciting and intriguing while the other finds it deplorable and disgusting. much confusion and passionate love-making ensue. a brazen and more-than-a-little-crazy penelope cruz enters the scene, and more confusion and passionate love-making -- and a little violence -- ensues. you pretty much get this all from the trailer.

anyway, the bottom line is that i liked it. i actually recommend it. i didn't expect to. sexy romps aren't really my thing... though sexy romps in exotic locales is a little more my speed. the real interest for me, however, was the girl who was against running off with locals to undisclosed locations. that is me. totally. i am practical. i expect that strangers are capable of killing you and leaving your remains at the side of the road... or at least giving you a nasty std. but when i was watching the movie, i kept thinking, "go! ... have fun! ... live a little! stop being so dang practical!"

of course this is a movie, there are no repercussions for me if the two girls are never seen again. but it was weird feeling -- that tug against my practical side... being annoyed by the practicality of it all. it was somewhat liberating to see what could be if you take a chance... do something a bit crazy and impractical.

it made me realize that in many ways, i limit myself by being so reasonable.. so responsible. i wonder if my job dissatisfaction comes from that same place. that maybe if i was willing to take more of a risk, i'd find myself doing something that i love... opening a cafe or baking or being a photographer... it all takes a leap, and i've never been one to leap... i take little practical steps, and so far, at least professionally, those little steps haven't taken me anywhere interesting.

symptoms

so as someone who has been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half, i figured it would be good to note what symptoms i did -- and did not -- have when i finally got that still unbelievable + pg test. over the last two years i became very well acquainted with the symptoms that meant nothing at all... sore boobs, a little queasiness, weird tastes in my mouth.

my first and only pre-period sign was major cramping about a week before my period was due. it was the same kind of cramping i get right before the blood flows -- a nice, full-uterus cramp. it didn't last long, but it was powerful enough for me to notice it (and remember it). of course, i didn't think much of it since our bodies are wacky things and like to give us reasons to think we're pregnant even when we're most definitely not.

then after missing my period, i noticed that the boobs continued to hurt (usually they start hurting about a week before the period and get better as the period gets closer). in this case the pain migrated more to the center of the boobs... (sorry if this is tmi.) and then a few days before i tested, i noticed that i was having bad indigestion... as in my stomach was making all sorts of strange noises as i tried to fall asleep. and that was pretty much it... i tested, was shocked, and since then have started to feel kind of queasy most of the time (which is stinky 'cause i'm also pretty much hungry all of the time). oh, and tired all the time.

things i thought would happen but didn't: implantation bleeding, sore/bleeding gums, super smell, nausea. really the smelling thing i notice, but more because every smell makes me a little queasy... and that's really only started in the last week.

anyway, i doubt this list is of much interest to anyone beside myself, but i thought i'd keep it for the future.

i'm still nervous about the appointment next week, but i'm trying to keep myself distracted. thank you all for your support... it helps get me through this nerve-wracking time.

bbc gals, thanks for keeping tabs on me... i know i sort of disappeared for a while. i actually took a look for you now that i can handle babycenter again (a little), but i didn't know where to find you since i think you're long past ttc. i'd love to see photos of your little ones!

up next: a non-pg post!

the story.

first of all, i can't believe that anyone saw the last post. i really figured at this point i would be writing for myself and myself alone. you ladies are great! thank you.

so, i'm going to warn you that this might be the kind of story that makes if-ers shudder. a month ago, it would have pissed me off, too, but seeing as how i'd given up blogging and reading blogs then, i wouldn't have come across it. anyway, shortly after i gave up blogging, i gave up "trying." (i know! how annoying!) "why?" you ask.

in early june, we discovered that mil was going to have repeat his first year of med school because he failed too many blocks last year. this was heart-breaking for both of us. unfortunately, it took my therapist to throw out the crazy idea that maybe... just maybe... having a baby and going through all sorts of machinations to get there were not such a good idea right now. it took me about a day to warm up to the idea, but i realized that ultimately, mil needs this time to focus on himself and his studies this year, and having a baby is just about the most life-altering, stressful thing you can experience. how the heck is he going to perform well when there's a little person screaming all night long (i guess we'll have to figure that out).

so we called the clinic, told them to put our cycle on hold. we discussed whether we should use birth control "just in case," but neither of us were willing to go that far after all we'd been through. i exhaled... settled into life with my hubby... going to great adventure for my birthday, drinking martinis to my heart's content (which is 2 by the way). i was beginning to actually enjoy this brief reprieve from having to worry about when to have snu-snu and holding my legs up interminably after, not to mention doctor's appointments in the early a.m. so they can shove catheters up my hoo-ha.

and, true to the word of all those *sshats out there who say "just relax" and "it'll happen," it happened. a year and a half later... but it happened. i was not expecting it at all. we were on vacation when i hit the one week late mark (a mark i'd never hit before), and i just couldn't wait anymore... especially since our hosts had martinis and wine flowing all night every night. i actually just figured i should test, so i know that i can partake with abandon. turns out i couldn't. we actually had to bike to a nearby town in order to get the test when our hosts weren't around...

this was all of a week and a half ago, so i'm not too far into this (6.5 weeks to be exact). i'm still disbelieving. and seeing as how this happened without a doctor, i don't get to see the little critter (or even visit the doctor) until after 8 weeks. it seems like cruel and unusual punishment after waiting over a year and a half, but i'm happy and trying to enjoy the fact that i saw "pregnant" for once in my freakin' life. as my brother said, regardless of what happens next (which will hopefully be nothing but good), we at least know that i can turn a pee-stick blue.

anyway, that's my little story. i hope i didn't annoy anyone too much. i know that it's hard to read the blog of someone who's gotten lucky, but if you can, stick by me at least until sept 4th when i go to visit my ob-gyn.

all was quiet on the eastern front...

...until i saw a pee stick that said "pregnant."

so...

i think i'm going to officially go on blog hiatus. i just haven't really felt like reading or writing much about my i/f journey. it's there, but it's just a part of me, and when i think about it too much, i find that i start feeling sorry for myself. i get bitter and sad, and while i know i have to deal with that stuff, i just don't want to wallow in it. i have so much to be grateful for... my family, my husband, my friends, my life. i walk around our beautiful apartment with tears in my eyes that i can't share it with my mom or with a new baby, but then i look up and i realize it's a gorgeous day... and i can live it the way that it is, or i can feel sorry for myself that it isn't they way i pictured it would be. and, ultimately, i'm going to decide to live it the way that it is... and treasure it for what it is. that is what my mom would want me to do.

i am grateful for the connections i've made through this blog, and one day, i might return. but for the time being, this blog is growing a bit stale... and moldy, so i apologize. i will put my email in my profile in case anyone wants to keep in touch on a personal basis (emily, kate, katie, amanda, tracy... others). i will still be reading your blogs, and will comment when i can. hugs to all of you who've offered advice and encouragement!

admission

so, i guess i should admit it. i'm not doing anything this month... no pee sticks, no cbefm, no temping. i probably should be, but i just have lost interest. i figure i'll save the cbefm sticks for when i'm doing something new. nothing new this month. we haven't even been able to snu-snu since i've had these various tests. (though i'm still somewhat hopeful that we will as we get closer to the middle of the month... i don't actually know how long i'm supposed to wait after an s.i.s.... i guess i should call the doctor's office.)

all seems to be well on my side. no abnormalities on any of the tests, but mil has yet to do his s.a. he's scheduled for the 7th... yes, the 7th... as in 2 weeks from now. as in, we won't be able to start any kind of treatments until a whole 'nother month after this one. this kind of irritates me because he said that he would call to schedule something after our appointment in march, and didn't call anyone until yesterday. i know he's in medschool, and i know that studying is important, but i couldn't even remind him without him getting on my case. ok, so maybe i'm more than a little irritated. i know it will all happen in its own time. and i'm sure that he can't be excited about the prospect that it's looking like the problems might be on his side (though i remind him regularly how often infertility is totally unexplained). i am happy that my female organs seem to be in good working order... even if it makes the diagnosis more difficult. i don't even know what they do for male factor infertility. or with unexplained infertility... i guess i should look it up. surely, many folks have traveled this road before me. i mean, that's what the internet is for, isn't it?

thanks for the support!

still here

it's been a wacky few weeks. i'm debating whether i have the time to continue blogging.. especially with two separate blogs going -- my non-ttc/if blog and this one. i just don't seem to have the energy or interest to maintain it. i do like being part of the community, so i don't want to stop entirely, but i think i may want to focus on reading and commenting on others blogs more than writing in my own.


as of now, i've had my blood tests, this morning i had my hsg, and tomorrow afternoon i have my sis. all sorts of fun. so far all seems clear. mil has yet to schedule his s.a. i don't know what to say... he has a school exam on wednesday (on the reproductive and urinary systems, no less), so he really can't focus on this stuff until after. i just hope that he makes an appointment sooner rather than later, so we can get a plan before my next cycle. we shall see...

charting, shmarting

so, i totally took two crucial days away from the cbefm and the thermometer. saturday i got my first peak reading (yay!). then saturday night i left for california. i totally forgot to do either on sunday morning (though it's probably safe to assume that i had my second peak day), and monday morning (i.e., today) i was on a red-eye back to new york. needless to say i wouldn't have even known when to test, let alone had the space or time to do either. so here we are... sometime after peak but not knowing whether ovulation did or did not occur. ah, the mystery.

the wedding was fun, but as you can imagine a bit of a blur. i saw some old college friends (one who may or may not have been pg... something about the lack of alcohol and slightly queasy look on her face led me to believe the former). i went to target... my dream home and bought new eye-shadow... something i wear about once/year. a vaguely drunk, elderly man thought that because i was at the wedding sans husband, it was okay to request dances with me over and over again (taking time away only to harass my other dateless, female friend). i don't mind a turn around the dancefloor with a 70+ stranger every now and again, but given that i had all of 24 hours with my long-lost college friends, i thought 2-3 dances was more than enough.

the first visit

so, we went. i must admit that i was skeptical, but i liked dr. k. he wasn't an overwhelming personality, but that's not what i'm looking for in an r.e. he took a moment to ask about mil's med school and what he had done before starting -- which i thought was nice. most doctors in new york don't spare time for niceties.

dr. k's office was a bit of a mess though. the administrative staff was typical new york b*tch. i know that seems strong, but there's really no other way to describe it. people in certain service sectors in new york city generally don't bother to hide their distaste for their jobs or their distaste for you for being part of their job. the lady at the front desk was one of those people. mil didn't even bother to schedule his s.a. while he was waiting for me to take my blood tests because she was giving off a "don't talk to me cause i don't know nuh'in" kind of vibe.

the nurses on the other hand were very nice. after dr. k took a brief history, explained the basics of the process, and did my ultrasound, a nurse explained in detail the appointments i need to make during my next cycle -- and the appointment mil needs to make as well. overall, despite the b*tchy clerk, the experience was as positive as it could be. the side benefit of getting my ultrasound on day 14 (by coincidence, of course) was that i got to see a follicle about to rupture in my right ovary. that was pretty exciting (needless to say, mil and i snuck in some snu-snu later in the day). otherwise the ultrasound was uninteresting, so i guess we'll be awaiting the rest of the results...

now that it's started (and all i've paid so far is a co-pay), this seems more exciting than intimidating. i'm sure that will change as i ride this rollercoaster of i/f, but right now i feel hopeful... like i'm finally doing something to change the situation. and doing something is always better than waiting around for something to change me.

make an appointment... check

so, i've accomplished step 1. i've made an appointment with an r.e. i never actually heard back from my regular doctor, but she seemed confident in my old ob-gyn's recommendations, so i'm moving forward. mil and i are scheduled to meet dr. k a week from friday. i think i'm more nervous than i am excited. i feel like i should be relieved to be doing something finally, but i must i'm a little freaked... maybe more about the pending expenses than the procedures. i'm fortunate that i get a little bit of insurance coverage ($5k/year to be exact), but i don't know how quickly that will go. i mean an hsg can't be cheap. the website already warns of a $200 semen analysis that usually isn't covered by insurance. medication... blood work... actual doctor fees... i feel like that $5k could be gone in a matter of a few diagnostic visits -- let alone treatments. i'm a little anxious to say the least.

**

last night an older woman i recently met mentioned to me that maybe i shouldn't be in such a rush to have children. to her credit, she didn't know that i was already trying or that i've been having i/f issues. i had just said that i was a little jealous that my brother has a child to help him get through our mother's death. her comment was in response to my having also mentioned that mil is currently in medical school. she brought up the difficulties of raising a child while one's spouse is so busy with work/school. i have thought about this quite a bit since my mother died... not only because of how sad it is that my child(ren) will never meet her, but also because i always thought that my mother would be able to help me raise my children while mil is in school. she would be able to be that last-minute babysitter or even a regular babysitter for one or two days a week when i'd have to work. now i have to scratch that plan. if i work (which i pretty much have to do since mil isn't really bringing home the bacon yet), i'm going to have to put my child in daycare from a pretty young age (which i've never really wanted to do). i'm also basically going to be a single parent most of the time until mil finishes his residency (um... seven years from now?!?!).

so, is the best idea to wait? wait until what? mil won't really be able to spend much time at home for another five or six years at best. if my fertility is bad now at 30, i can only imagine it will be worse in five to six years. i know ivf success rates start going down after 30, so in many ways now is the best time. in the end, i am okay with adoption. i know that. and mil is, too. but do we just want to potentially throw away what may be our only opportunity to have biological children just because it's not the ideal time? i don't think so... but it is giving me pause. any thoughts from my esteemed readers?

we're moving!

well, we're not moving the site. (i haven't succumbed to the siren-call of word-press just yet.) but, no, mil and i are actually going to be moving apartments. this is very exciting. we're been in our current 1-bedroom apartment for the last six years, and we're definitely growing out of it (if not for the reasons we really wanted to grow out of it). our stuff lines every wall of our apartment in an attempt to keep valuable floor space clear for the occasional walk to the kitchen or more-occasional attempt at yoga.

we won't be going far... to a nice, new 2-bedroom apartment that should be available sometime in april. i know that i should just be thrilled, but i'm starting to get overwhelmed by the amount of things that have to be done in preparation for the move (um, like, hiring movers).
**
on the reproductive front, i've been very lax about updating my lovely little cbefm monitor. i barely touch the real thing these days because nothing is happening... well, nothing other than these lovely little chin-dumplings that have come to warn me that old lady flo is on her way into town. as i await her with little humor, i have decided that i am not waiting another month to make an appointment with an r.e. i just can't do it. i think i'm going to go to the doctor that my old ob-gyn's office recommended many moons ago. his clinic seems to have a pretty good success rate (for under 35: 109 IVF cycles --> 55% pregnancy rate --> 45% live birth rate). the rates are about as good as any of the other top centers in nyc, but with fewer overall cycles. i sent an email to my primary care doc to see if she has heard anything good/bad about the guy, so hopefully she'll second the ob-gyn's opinion and send me on my way. hopefully.