fun with photoshop

so, i have a wee photoshop bone in my body. i think it's close to the technophile bone, and directly descendant from the gene that made me want to play with calculators as a small child. buttons are my friends. unfortunately, none of this translates into loving to sit in front of a computer when i happen to be at work... unless i get to play with photoshop.

anyway, that said, i finally created my own little cbefm widget that lets you see where i am in my cycle. i have to show you the "peak" one because it's just so darn cute. is it just me, or do those little digital eggs just make you feel so warm and fertile inside?

unfortunately, i'm not enough of a technogeek to know how to make this cycle automatically, so at present, i have to update that little photo on a daily basis... it also means that i created 30+ jpegs of the widget, so i could cover most cases without having to go back into photoshop. if you are eager for the hard labor of updating your blog picture on a daily basis, i will be happy to send you a jpeg set corresponding to your general cbefm cycle... i just need to know what days you generally get low, high, and peak readings.

even better though would be to find someone tech savvy enough to show me how to get this to automatically update... i currently have the source file set up in layers, so i can relatively easily create a jpeg, but i'm sure that there's an easier way.
**
oh, and on another note, you'd think that after 15 months of trying, i would be able to nail down my ovulation date. according to my ff.com chart, i ovulated before i got a "peak" reading on my monitor... does that make any sense? as always, your shared wisdom is appreciated.

possibly fertile

so it appears that i am "possibly fertile." thankfully my monitor decided to display something other than "low" yesterday, so mil and i got down with the snu-snu. i've decided that "dancing" and "baby dancing" imply a certain spontaneity and an expectation that the "dancing" will result in a baby that no longer really applies to the situation. my calling mil at school in the afternoon to report a "high" reading on my cbefm, does not good foreplay make. don't get me wrong, we try to take the time to enjoy eachother's company, but knowing that you have to snu-snu takes away a certain romance from the act. of course, i'm not the first i.f. person to note this phenomenon... in fact, many a fertile woman has bemoaned the militant timing that goes into the "baby dance" as well. fortunately, the stars aligned, and i was in the mood at the same time the cbefm pronounced me of "high" (ha!) fertility, so a good time was had by all. (for some splendid reason, mil still only needs the suggestion of snu-snu to get in the mood.)

on another note, i finally told my brother that mil and i were having difficulty producing offspring the old-fashioned way. it was good to tell him... at least it might explain some of my bizarre and unexpected reactions to his "good news" that his wife is still blissfully pregnant and they saw the little wiglet on the ultrasound. don't get me wrong, i was very happy for them -- i want them to have a healthy and uneventful pregnancy, so i can have another niece/nephew to shower with all of the affection i can't yet give my own children, but i can't quite force the level of enthusiasm i know my brother wants and needs now that my mother is gone. hopefully, my explanation at least puts some pieces together for him and will offer me a little reprieve from questions as to when mil and i will start having kids of our own.

things that make you go "hmm..?"

so, it's cd 13, and i'm still getting a "low" reading on my cbefm... this is weird. the last 3 times i used this little contraption, i've had a high reading by cd 11. what could this mean? i'm temping as well, so i guess i'll have a back-up if it's the cbefm on the fritz... but that obviously doesn't help me predict my ovulation. i'm not gonna worry yet. maybe i'm just having a wonky cycle.

i have another question for the group. this is one of those questions that reminds me why i haven't invited my irl friends/family to read this blog, and if you're not comfortable with bodily fluid talk, you may want to stop here. anyway, to get to the point, i have had pretty much constant, mild yeast infections/bv since i had to take multiple antibiotics years ago for recurrent tonsillitis. i was just reading that bv can lead to pid (which i don't think i have but will ask my doctor about on my next visit) which can cause serious i.f. problems, but has anyone else had/heard of i.f. issues stemming from one or the other of these infections? just curious... i asked my ob-gyn if she thought this might cause fertility problems when i saw her last year, but she shrugged her shoulders and said, "shouldn't be a problem." (this is why i'm looking for a new ob-gyn... grr.)

back

so, i'm back from vail. my dad, brother, and i went for a brief ski trip -- that started out as a business meeting. fortunately the business meeting was canceled, so we got to spend all three days on the slopes. yay! the weather and the snow were pretty much perfect, so it was a great escape from the city crowds... albeit a very brief escape.

mil has agreed to starting the i.f. diagnostics sooner rather than later, assuming that we can find a clinic that will see us at off hours. i hope that there's someplace nearby that will do that because the poor guy has a busy enough schedule... he doesn't need to be making trips back to manhattan in the middle of the day just to wank into a cup. that wouldn't be fun. then again, who said that any of this is fun.

i have an annual check-up with my primary care doc early next month, so i will talk to her about all of this, and hopefully she can hook me up with a doctor and a lab (thanks for the tip, katie!) that's on our insurance... and hopefully meets some of the other qualifications you ladies mentioned. thank you for the advice! i'm ready to get this train out of the station. in the meantime, i'm trying to remember to take my temp in the morning and check my hormones on the little cbefm. you know they should make a little cbefm ticker, so you can show your daily reading... that would be fun!

***
update: i've added a fertility friend ticker at the bottom of the page in case you are curious as to where i am in my cycle (this will have to do until i can create my own little cbefm monitor tracker), and i've added a little news widget on the side. i'm pretty impressed that all i had to type in was "infertility" and suddenly i have a little rss news feed on the side of my blog... pretty cool.

cramps

cramps this month seem worse than ever... i don't know if it's psychological (a third close family friend announced her pregnancy this weekend) or physical... af came with a vengeance this morning with nary a warning spot. month 15 of trying by my count... i think we've played the odds, and they are no longer in our favor. bad luck and poor timing can't account for an 0 and 15 record. something else is at work here, and i'm ready to figure out what it is. i think i'm going to have a little chat with mil to see if we can move up our schedule without negatively affecting his schoolwork. the summer just seems an eternity away.

how did you go about finding your r.e.? any suggestions on where to start? i have an appointment with my primary care doctor in march. i think i may just ask her for a referral since i'll need one to utilize my puny insurance coverage anyway.

randomness

does anyone else use google for spellcheck?

any other folks salivating over the iphone? i lost (i.e., left) my ipod on a flight from houston to ny, and i've been wanting an iphone ever since. i'm trying to hold out until they have at least 32gb of storage, but it's proving quite difficult. the adult in me knows it's stupid to buy now, but the technophile in me is just saying: gimme, gimme, gimme.

speaking of the technophile in me... have you guys seen these? so cute! must have one!

wow, i don't know what i'm going to do when i have to start paying for i/f treatments. i'll have to learn self-restraint. what's funny, is that my area of psych research is on delay of gratification. i'm a prime example of what not to do.

ah... tuesday

supertuesday, in fact. have you voted? i hope so! (then again, some of you can't) so exciting... i'm in the fortunate position to have to choose between two decent candidates. such a rare treat.

mil and i have given this month the old college try. maybe life will surprise me, but for some reason i tend to doubt it. i've already bought a new box of tampons, so clearly my hopes are low. i think if mil were able, i'd start this i/f treatment stuff right now. but, alas, he's still knee-deep in biochemistry books.

based on my imperfect memory, i'd guess i'm on cd 21... about 6-8 dpo. on day 14, i started taking some lh tests, and since they were just getting lighter and lighter, i decided to take my temperature to discover that i'd already ovulated. yay! fortunately, mil and i had been taking care of business earlier in the week just in case. if you can't tell, i'll probably be cracking open that cbefm again next month... enough of this taking it easy, i want to get pregnant d*mmit! (oh, and just to make matters more annoying, i got a call from a close family friend who got married a year after us -- she's pregnant! yay! ...grumble.)

chirp

my little twirp. as annoying as she can be when i'm trying to make dinner, the tick-tick-tick of izzy's little toes on the wood floor melt my heart.

a vibrant shade of green

so, we all know the feeling. it's happened to every one of us... the call from a best friend, a sister, or a sister-in-law. on the phone last night, my brother muttered under his breath "[s-i-l]'s pregnant." i had been waiting for it. my s-i-l was pregnant a few months ago, and sadly, it didn't last. i tried my best to sound excited for them... knowing that they were having mixed emotions as well (happy about the pregnancy, but fearing it wouldn't last). they don't know that mil and i have been trying for over a year, but my brother detected the sadness in my voice. i didn't explain. i said i was tired.

somehow this time hurts more than last time... i don't know if it's because we are now officially infertile... or because my mom isn't around to comfort me. last night i was a mess of emotions... anger, sadness, self-pity. mil tried to make me feel better, but nothing can take the place of having my own child. it just seems so f***ing unfair. why does my 100 lb. (5'10"), big-busted, breastfeeding s-i-l get to get pregnant? why can't it be me? i've never really smoked or drank or slept around...

what makes me so upset is that i don't want to be jealous. i want to be genuinely happy for my brother and his wife. i know that my brother needs some of that support that he lost with my mom. i've never been the envious type before. i've always been happy with my lot in life, knowing that i've been incredibly blessed by my family and friends. for some reason this i/f thing is knocking loose my sense of self-satisfaction... and i feel like that is making it hard for me to be the kind of person i want to be.

coffee!!!

so, i admit it, i'm a coffee drinker. i don't quite know how i'd survive the work day without my first cup of joe (though odds are "face down on the keyboard"). i was reading one of my favorite i.f. blogs, and it mentioned this lovely little article about caffeine increasing a woman's risk for miscarriage. i have to say, i hate these articles. one day you read about how a little caffeine won't hurt you and the next you read how 10 ounces of coffee can double your risk of miscarriage... huh!?!

i actually loved this quote from Dr. Carolyn Westhoff in the article: “Just interviewing women, over half of whom had already had their
miscarriage, does not strike me as the best way to get at the real
scientific question here,” she said. “But it is an excellent way to
scare women.”

personally, i tried decaf coffee for a while when we first started trying to make a baby, but given that it did little to alleviate the face-down-on-the-keyboard syndrome, i went back to my wanton ways... i now try to limit myself to a small cup of regular coffee, once a day. what about you guys? any other vices that you resumed after trying for far too long? (i want some company here...)

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here she comes again

well, to be precise, she already came. a couple of days "late" -- but here nonetheless. my cycle seems to be a little less predictable than it was a couple of months ago. it had always been 28 days on the dot, but now it seems to be closer to 30-31 days. the cramps had me well prepared, but no matter how ridiculous it seems, being even an hour late brings a hint of hope. all of my typical pms symptoms were there, but the lack of af birthed a little voice... a little voice that said "maybe." well, af shut her up. thank you.

in addition to the banner, i've updated the little "about us" section and added a few links to the sidebar. i'm eager to do more... my creativity needs an outlet, but i have yet to figure out what that would be.

i realized that there are a couple of non-ttc/if things that are happening in my life that might be of some remote interest. 1) i registered for a photography course. i am very excited, but somewhat annoyed because i ordered the class textbook yesterday, and today i received an email that they had told us the wrong book. urgh! other than that though... i can't wait to improve my photography skills. maybe it will even lead to a new, more exciting career... who knows? 2) we might have found a place to live! this is far more thrilling than the photography class. we've been looking for a 2 bedroom apt since last july, but we had been looking in brooklyn (makes sense since that's where mil's med school is). well, last week we decided that brooklyn is nice and all, but far too expensive for the market. we should pay more and live in manhattan! well, it wasn't exactly that... it's a much longer, more revealing story i'm not quite ready to tell. but the bottom line is that it seems like it will happen, and it has a washer/dryer! i know, i know, such luxury!

mmm... cramps

so, even though i'm not tracking my cycle in the traditional charting sort of way, we did make an attempt to get pregnant this month. we were in houston, and since my brain was in aruba, i completely forgot all of my usual... ehum... simulants... of the mucus kind. in november i had bought a package of preseed that has yet to be opened, and i have a huge jar of evening primrose oil... not to mention the fertile aid cm pills i had been popping at mid-cycle. all were left neatly stored in new york while we were trying valiantly in houston. whether that had anything to do with the fact that i am feeling decidedly pms-y cramps today (um, two weeks later) or not is another story. i don't think i have much more of this "chill... let's see what happens" approach in me. fortunately, i'm due for a gyn check-up in a couple of months, so maybe that will coincide with my giving in to medical intervention. i sure am tired of old a.f... though i guess i'm glad she still comes on a relatively consistent basis.

btw, did you recognize any of my little toy munchkins... like the sad uterus monster?

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passing time

so, i was inspired by my 2008 calendar to make some toys of my own... here's my little collection:

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a little about my dad

i was attempting a little fun photoshopping with this photo a'la "amelie" but in reality it came out kind of scary... so i apologize, there will be no photographic accompaniment to this random post. my office is currently blazing hot... i think the heat in the building is at the same level it was at when it was 15 degrees outside, but it is, in fact, 65 degrees outside today. the heat and the stifling boredom, leave me here... feeling like melting, but somehow typing away at my keyboard... not doing work-related things, of course, but typing nonetheless.


so there was one little incident i thought i'd mention from my little holiday in houston. at one point, my dad was discussing the need for more grandchildren to help us all recover from our pity-party. i mentioned something about wanting to help him out, but being limited by nature and her vicissitudes. he then said, "you do know how to get children, right?" "um, yeah... adoption?" i said this because i had no clue what to say in response... i'm too young or too old to be talking to my dad about sex, and i figured at some point my mom probably mentioned to him our difficulty producing offspring... she was many wonderful things, but tight-lipped was not one of them. i was just in shock that he would ask this in a slightly elbow-jabbing way.

a couple of weeks later, the topic came up again in relation to my either getting or not getting a more inspiring, profitable career based on whether or not we have wee ones in the near future. we were on the phone, so i figured i'd pony up. i told him we were having some trouble in that department... he asked how long, and i told him that we'd been trying for over a year. he said he knew... my mom hadn't kept it to herself. he asked what we were going to do about it... i told him my whole theory about stress and it not being a good time to seek help. he agreed but suggested that i talk to a doctor at somepoint soon-ish. overall, it was a good conversation, but i couldn't help but think, "so, if you knew, why the HECK would you ask me if i 'knew how to get children'?!?!"

in short, my dad is loving in his own way, but sensitive... he is not. my mom was always good at smoothing out his sometimes rather rough corners. it's going to be an interesting rest of my life...

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juno

so, the holidays are over-with and done... thank goodness. they were the most depressing and dreary holidays i've ever had. we moped through the holidays with a few toasts to mom and more than a few tears. i figure having set the bar so low, 2008 will have to be better.

one of the interesting parts of my jaunt to houston was a stop at the movie theatre to see "juno." now for those dealing with i.f. or adoption, it may be a difficult movie to sit through. i know i was hesitant... the thought that the fickle teen might change her mind and not go through with the adoption made me wince (even though we have quite a ways to go -- physically, financially -- before we start seriously talking about adoption) the thought that that couple's future was in the hands of a 16-year old had me biting my nails through most of the film... and while the film was about that, it was also about so much more. it was really a beautiful tribute to parenthood in all of its forms... biological, adoptive, step-parents. it also left me wrung-out because the thought of being pregnant or adopting and not having my mom around to support me still seems far more than i can bear.

we all have some sense of what we can handle and what we can't, and there were definitely some moments that made my stomach knot-up, but, for me, at least the movie was worth it. it helped that the music was fantastic... and it had michael cera in it...

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meltywoman

thank you for your kind notes... it's difficult to know what to say in return. i always found myself tongue-tied when talking to a friend who lost someone dear. i've always wanted to say something that could take away the pain and remind them why life is still worth living... it turns out i'm equally as tongue-tied when it is i doing the "losing." i find i'm so thoroughly encased in my own protective shell that i don't know how to respond naturally to friends when they express their sorrow and sympathy. i feel like if i open that shell -- even a crack -- i will become a pool of entrails... tears and snot. it's easier for me to act like i'm normal, creating a parallel life for myself where my mom is still quite alive and happily cancer-free. this works for short bursts of time... at work... in the store. i seem relatively functional until someone says, "i'm so sorry about your mom" or even "how are you?" at which point i turn into a babbling moron because my cellophane world is shattered, and i have to figure out how to respond without risking a crack in my protective casing. all the effort put forth to create and maintain this shell leaves me with little energy to actually use my mind for much else. ultimately, it's a very exhausting enterprise... but i don't know how else to function.

anyway, thank you for thinking of me. my mom was a beautiful human being, and i was truly blessed to have her. though i haven't given much thought to infertility in the last month, it's hard not to think of the grandchildren she will never meet... never read a book to... never roll around on the floor with. i just have to believe that when they are here she will know them and be with them spiritually.

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m.i.a.

i'm sorry that i've been missing in action. unfortunately, it has been for a very sad reason. my mom passed away last week. i left new york to be with her in mid-November when she was in the hospital getting her feeding tube. unfortunately, the feeding tube was only the beginning of her worries. the feeding tube never worked, and many other things started to go wrong. it turns out that there were many tiny, sub-radiographic tumors surrounding her organs causing strictures throughout her bowels and fluid build-up in her abdomen. she ultimately died of a cerebral hemorrhage... quickly and relatively painlessly, but long before any of us ever wanted to see her go. she was a treasure of a person. looking back, i'm not so sure she wasn't an angel. she loved every minute of every day and took pleasure in other people's accomplishments. she was never thoughtless or petty... just warm, caring, and joyful. i honestly can't think of a mean or selfish thing that she ever did or said... i'm sure there were a few times she had been pushed past her limit, but they were so rare and inconsequential, i can't bring them to mind. i hope that everyone has someone in her life who loves her as fully and unconditionally as my mom loved me.

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on the cusp of initiation

so i realize that i never really responded to my own post of a couple weeks ago. katie's comment was enough to push me over the edge -- i'm planning to toss the cbe monitor, the opks, and the bbt thermometer in the recycle bin and take a break from official baby-making for a few months. old af should be on her way any minute now. her arrival will mark the end of 12-months of ttc, and despite the ineptitude of this month's attempt, i think that that makes me officially infertile. i feel like there should be a chocolate martini party to mark this occasion. for all the crap i've been through for the past year and for all the crap that is still to come -- there should be a little interlude of merry-making to mark this rather grim proclamation. no? heaven knows, nature does quite the hazing -- we should at least be able to throw on the togas and fill-up the beer bong once in a while to relieve the stress. (for full-disclosure, i must admit that i haven't been to a toga party since my 14th birthday and i have not once used a beer bong... i think that makes me long overdue.)

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time to change that banner

though it feels more like halloween out there now than it did last week, i think it's time to bring out a more romantic, wintery banner, don't you think. maybe it will perk up my spirits just a bit.

i'll admit it... last week sucked. #1, i think mil and i completely missed my ovulation this month... thanks to #2 which was that mil had a pretty horrendous exam that kept him at the library overnight and he still thought he failed (which means summer school). and #3 well, you know #3 from my last post. when i went to houston, my mom looked so thin and tired. she barely moved all weekend -- even when my adorable niece came over to visit. fortunately, things have turned around a bit this week. on monday, my mom had a fluid infusion which gave her some energy, and the doctors thought of another medication that might get her stomach pumping again, so as of yet, she hasn't had to get a feeding tube. though we're not out of the woods, we're still in a much better place than we were last week. other good news was that mil passed his exam, so he still has a shot of avoiding summer school! yay!

ok... now that i've posted... here comes the new banner.

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ugh

so. i don't really know where to begin. i feel empty right now. deflated... depressed... i talked to my parents this morning, and it sounds like my mom is going to have to get a feeding tube. her stomach hasn't started working again on its own, and she isn't getting enough nutrients right now to sustain her. her doctor is worried. the feeding tube should make her feel better though... it's just that it's more surgery (albeit small surgery) and a constant reminder that she has cancer. she'll still be able to eat what she can, but the feeding tube will supplement her diet. i imagine its something she can do at home... i don't know if it will affect her ability to travel... for some reason it seems like it would. fortunately, i just booked a ticket to houston for tomorrow, and i had already bought a ticket for two weeks from now, so i should be able to spend time with her.

on top of all this mil is in an exam right now... he's been in this exam since 10am this morning, and he doesn't even know about my mom. the one person i can really lean on. it's been a tough day... and i have barely gotten up off the couch.

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