so, we all know the feeling. it's happened to every one of us... the call from a best friend, a sister, or a sister-in-law. on the phone last night, my brother muttered under his breath "[s-i-l]'s pregnant." i had been waiting for it. my s-i-l was pregnant a few months ago, and sadly, it didn't last. i tried my best to sound excited for them... knowing that they were having mixed emotions as well (happy about the pregnancy, but fearing it wouldn't last). they don't know that mil and i have been trying for over a year, but my brother detected the sadness in my voice. i didn't explain. i said i was tired.
somehow this time hurts more than last time... i don't know if it's because we are now officially infertile... or because my mom isn't around to comfort me. last night i was a mess of emotions... anger, sadness, self-pity. mil tried to make me feel better, but nothing can take the place of having my own child. it just seems so f***ing unfair. why does my 100 lb. (5'10"), big-busted, breastfeeding s-i-l get to get pregnant? why can't it be me? i've never really smoked or drank or slept around...
what makes me so upset is that i don't want to be jealous. i want to be genuinely happy for my brother and his wife. i know that my brother needs some of that support that he lost with my mom. i've never been the envious type before. i've always been happy with my lot in life, knowing that i've been incredibly blessed by my family and friends. for some reason this i/f thing is knocking loose my sense of self-satisfaction... and i feel like that is making it hard for me to be the kind of person i want to be.
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3 comments:
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way right now. It is always difficult when you get news of the latest pregnancy in your circle of friends and/or family. My SIL just recently told us that she's pregnant again, which was just over a year since she last told us that she was pregnant. TWO pregnancies in a little over a year. Unfortunately, she ended up delivering the first child early (at 31 weeks) and sadly he passed away in September at 4 months old. So, like your SIL, I'm sure she's terrified at the prospect of going through pregnancy again. BUT then there's what I feel, which is D@mnit! When is it going to be MY turn?
Big HUGS to you.
I'm sorry about how you're feeling, too. It sucks. But it's totally normal. Sometimes I can take news like that, and other times it rattles me to the core.
Hang in there...it will get better.
Honey, you are being so hard on yourself. You have lost so much lately, and it's only natural to want what you don't have.
It IS unfair, and I pray every day that good things come to you AND SOON. That will be a day to celebrate!
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