ugh...

i feel like i've hit a new low in this ttc journey. for the first time since we tried in july, i brought out the hpt. i was only a day late, but i had not been that late in the five months we've been trying. i was pumped... i really thought this was it. i couldn't sleep all night, because i thought i would wake up in the morning to find out i was pregnant. every cramp or gas pain made me wonder if my uterus was making room for baby. of course, at 5:10am the hpt was negative.

i feel like i'm a loser on this ttc journey... six months seems like a loooong time, and i'm starting to lose it. i'm scared that i'm infertile and that i'll never be able to carry mil's baby. i don't want to go through a million procedures to get pregnant. i just want it to happen naturally... normally. it doesn't seem fair that other women get to have it so easy (for some, too easy). i've taken care of my body. i eat well, stay active... i've only smoked on rare occasions and drink in moderation. the # of partners i've had is in the low single-digits. i just always thought this would come easy... that i was meant to be a mother. and here i am, turning 30, having spent the last five months failing to get pregnant...

on a positive note, i have some d*mn cute new shoes.

i've decided

may's a good month. mil is graduating. my mom turned 70. and today, we finally got a little ray of sunshine in my mom's treatment. her tumor markers went down. while it's not conclusive, it does seem to be a good sign that the treatment program she's on is doing some work. we're all grateful for the good news. it seems like we haven't gotten good news from a doctor since her surgery.

it's been especially tough to wait this week. i don't know why... maybe it's that last month was sort of a bust with the fever, so i feel like i deserve to get a positive this month. unfortunately, fate doesn't really work that way, so we also did a lot of bd-ing to hedge our bets. and there's still no telling what will happen this month. gotta love that. in the meantime, i'm still a little crampy -- have been since i o'd. i feel moody, but i'd be pms-ing even if my . comes. tastes seem odd, but i've had that phantom symptom before, so i'm not reading into it. nothing else really. so there we go... a whole lot of nothing.

i'm hoping mil will get some good news this month, so that we can celebrate big time.

month 5

so now i'm a little more than halfway through month 5... last month was a bust. i don't think the fever helped. i had a temp shift, but no other signs of ovulation... not even a real positive opk. this month i went back to having multiple days of opk+, and mil and i baby-danced our little butts off. we also tried this cool stuff called pre-seed -- it's a sperm-friendly lube. boy did i need it.

i'm really hopeful this month, but i know that there's now way to tell until you see that little line on the hpt. i really want to see that line. right now i am waiting to see if my . shows next monday... if that doesn't happen, then i'm on the hpt tuesday or wednesday. i might even jump the gun if my temps go way high. we'll see. keep your virtual fingers crossed.

anyway, just wanted to give an update to the blogosphere. or myself, you know.

month four

so, here we are... halfway through month four. i should be ovulating any day now, but i seem to have contracted tonsillitis or something equally nasty. my temperature shot up to 100+ saturday morning, and hasn't gone back to normal without the help of tylenol. i'm hoping this fever will not scare off my ovulation or we might be skipping straight to month five. (of course these things don't work that way... you have to wade through the rest of month four before you even get to month five.) anyway, i'm not there yet. my temperature after this illness will let me know if i've ovulated or not. in the meantime we're still trying... :)

the wait is over... for now

i saw spots last night, and i knew it wasn't good. as soon as i took my temp this morning, i knew this cycle was over. my temp dropped .5 degrees from the day before. here's my chart at fertility friend. i'm pretty bummed. the fact that it's a cold, grey sunday doesn't really help. i know i'll get over it. hey, it'll give me a chance to play with my new fertility toys (cough medicine, bbt thermometer, and i just ordered some preseed just to make things extra-interesting).

i should be knitting or doing something more productive, but all i can do is go to the bathroom to see if i've moved beyond "spotting" into full-fledged . blah... ttc stinks. i was really hoping the third time would be a charm.

still waiting

i'm 11 dpo (days past ovulation), and i'm bravely waiting for my . to a) come or b) not come. of course i'm hoping for the latter, but all signs are pointing to "maybe." bbs hurt, maybe a little queasy (which means nothing since i get a little queasy before .), a little funny taste in my mouth. the biggest thing that means absolutely nothing but still makes me think something new is happening is my basal body temp is rising. if temp stays high through monday, i might start getting really excited. but there are days to go before that... so in the meantime, i'm going to astrophysicist's 30th bday at a yummy indian restaurant. mm...

stuff

so, i went out and bought a basal body temp thermometer and cough medicine today. i'm preparing myself for another month of ttc just in case. it seems hard to believe that i'll ever see a positive hpt, but i know that three months is far from proof of infertility. so far the only symptoms i've experienced (that could just as easily be because of an impending .) are sore boobs and maybe a funny taste in my mouth... and perhaps the loss of a few brain cells. today my brain failed me about three times... once when i lost my debit card, once when i lost my drivers license (fortunately found shortly thereafter), and once when i hugged mil good-bye as we were about to depart my parents house (together!). great. there better be some hormones causing this b/c otherwise i'm going to have to find an even less intellectual job.

back in the saddle

so, we're trying again. we officially stopped after july... we can't remember why we stopped anymore... i think i thought i might get a really high-paying job that i should focus on for a while before getting pregnant. well, that didn't happen. i'm still working part-time at my old job and part-time with my father. i'm hoping that the latter will lead to a career in real estate, but its still pretty early to tell.

so, in january we figured why not start trying again. so we did. so far, still no dice. this month i actually even tried to figure out when i was ovulating, so we'd have a better chance of concieving. even more... i've started chatting on the babycenter.com message boards. i was just eager to chat with folks who are as bummed as i am that i can't immediately get pregnant. so far, i'm on day 22 of my cycle... i'm hoping my . won't come next week. if it doesn't, i'll test next thursday or friday.

so far there aren't really any symptoms that would lead me to believe i was pregnant... my chest is a little sore, but that doesn't mean anything. i think i have at least learned that you don't know anything until you see your . or a positive pregnancy test. so now i get to wait... yay.

no dice

first try is a wash. ah, well, i'm wondering if it was well-timed to begin with. earlier i mentioned that we would continue trying next month, but now i'm not so sure. there are so many decisions i need to make for myself right now, that bringing a wee one into the picture at this moment could only complicate. i have a hard time imagining starting a brand new career a month pregnant, only to announce it to my new boss two or three months in. i know that there are laws meant to protect pregnant employees, but i still feel like it would cause resentment and hurt my chances of moving up as quickly as i'd like to. i'm not sure... i just need to do some soul-searching and talking to mil...

am i pregnant?

there's a bulletin board over at babycenter with this title, and its the running theme in my subconscious. mil now says: you're pregnant! you're pregnant! and gesticulates toward my midsection on a regular basis. i try to remind him that just because we tried, doesn't mean we've succeeded. he only responds with: well, my guys know how to get the job done. ha! we shall see...

it's gotten really difficult to get anything done these days. i'm just eagerly awaiting saturday when i finally get to test (assuming i'm not interrupted by my .), and it's hard to think of anything else... not a good thing when you have your first job interview on thursday.

i tried to keep company with the banter on the babycenter boards, but within minutes i get dizzy from all of the sparkly, pink names and flower petals showing how far along they are in their pregnancies (or how far along they are in their cycles). i just wanted to hear someone say that sore boobs, a little nausea after eating, and a slightly icky taste in the mouth are proof positive that you are 100% pregnant. no dice, just a lot of (((((HUGS))))) and temperature readings which i have not done. i mean i'm stressed enough about this stuff -- i don't need daily temperature readings to add to my psychosis. i know these boards are not for me, but i'm not sure where else to look for proof that i'm not the only one with her head in her uterus.

19 days and counting

so we're 19 days into my cycle. we haven't officially stopped trying for the month, though there are many times we've looked at one another and said, "what the hell are we thinking?!?!" not only are we still trying for this cycle, we're still determined to try again should this cycle fail. nuts.. i say... we're completely nuts. do other people try to make babies when they're barely paying their bills and looking down the barrel of unemployment? i can't imagine that they do. anyway, i'm trying not to fall into my usual trap of thinking every little weird feeling is some sign that i'm pregnant because i've done that before and i wasn't pregnant and had very little reason to believe that i would be. now i have reason to believe that i would be, and i'm going to act as if i am just in case, but try not to believe that i am until i see two little blue lines... should they decide to appear. there. i've said it, now i just have to believe it.

caution has been thrown to the wind

or should i say the diaphragm has been thrown to the wind? the ttc has begun, and i'm a little scared. and a lot excited. who knows what will happen. last night was the first official "try," and i must say that there is something wild about doing the deed for a purpose other than pleasure. while still quite pleasureable, it's amazing to think that you could be creating a life at the same time. anyway, i thought i would keep my imaginary blog audience updated.

why july

i just realized this morning that the only reason we picked july to be our month to start trying was because our friends had said that they'd start trying then, too. thing is that they "accidentally" got pregnant a whole year earlier, so our reason seems a little lame at this point. in reality, august is more appropriate for us because we want the baby to come just before summer starts, so mil will have a whole summer to be a stay at home dad before starting med school. if we start in july, we might actually have the baby in march which is two months before summer break starts... doesn't make much sense. that said, we're still going to start in july because (a) i want to get started already, (b) yay sex!, and (c) since there's only like a 25% chance of getting pregnant in each cycle (assume we're both all well and good on the inside), we'll have a 75% change of getting prenant by september which means baby comes in may which is still cool by me. anyway, i just realized that we had a retarded reason for ttc-ing in july and thought i'd share it with the blog.

is it normal?

is it normal to keep going to babycenter.com and keep checking your ovulation dates months before you're going to start trying?
is it normal to look at baby stores online before you've even tossed the old diaphragm?
is it normal for your husband to start patting your stomach knowingly well before there's anything interesting going on in there?
is it normal to be jealous of your older sister-in-law who's almost 8 months pregnant? (i mean there's no way you're going to beat her to the punch at this point)
is it normal to visit babycenter.com routinely just to see if there's anything else you should be doing in the month before you start trying?

i think i know the answer to these thorny questions: nope.

one month and counting...

i can't get pregnancy off of my mind... every woman i see with a slightly protruding belly is pregnant in my mind. i wonder what they are thinking, what they're feeling, how far along they might be. are they older than me? younger? did they get pregnant after years of trying or accidentally?

waiting sucks. in approximately one month mil and i will get down to business. who knows what will happen, but we're trying to make sure we're well prepared. i've already started to decrease my caffiene intake (which also sucks) and made an appointment with the dentist. mil is getting used to the idea that he's gonna have to limit his alcohol intake for a few weeks, and i'm loading up on my folic acid. in the meantime, all i have is babycenter.com and my many parent blogs to keep me company. i'm noticing signs that mil is starting to get excited, too, but he keeps it pretty well hidden. i'm trying to figure out how this potential pregnancy will figure into my next job, but i also don't want to get ahead of myself. just because we have plans to try doesn't mean that we will succeed, and even if we do, there's no telling when.

i'm also not sure whether we should tell my folks before we start trying. mil is afraid that they'll try to talk us out of it since we're not exactly where we'd like to be financially, what with mil going to med school and all. on the other hand, we do spend a lot of time with them, and they are likely to notice if i no longer partake in wine with dinner. i feel like i am too old to be sneaking around on my parents like that... as an adult, i feel like i should be able to tell them about our plans without feeling like we have to defend our decision... anyway, we'll see if a good opportunity comes up.

getting excited

well, after all the fretting and freaking, i feel like we are finally getting down to the wire. one month to go before the free for all... one more month of "protection." i'm not sure how to feel. i can now talk to mil about getting pregnant without watching his blood pressure rise (dramatically). i can get excited about the prospect of increased frequency of procreation (sounds just thrilling put that way, doesn't it?). but it also means i can start freaking out about what we're going to do when (if) we have a child. i mean kids are expensive! where am i going to work? what kind of childcare can we afford? where will we live? so many questions??? then of course there's a whole hell of a lot of details that just aren't up to us, such as if we're fertile... and how long it will take before sperm meets egg... and whether they'll end up making a live, healthy baby... oh, yeah, and where we're gonna live.

honestly, though, these questions mean little to nothing when i think about the possibility of making a new life with my beloved mil... when i think of nurturing and growing our child inside of me... when i think of how lucky that child will be to have mil as a father (and hopefully me as a mother, but who knows about that one). really, the excitement is almost too much to bear, and i've got a whole month of letting it bottle up inside of me before we even start trying. half of me wants to throw that diaphragm out the window now and say, "good riddance!" then the other half reminds me that short term disability is only 6 weeks and that won't get me to mil's summer vacation. phlbbt!

phew... i think

well, this post is about a week late, but by sunday my life got so busy that posting on this seldom read, slightly-secret blog did not seem like a high priority.

so, the "phew" is i'm not pregnant. i didn't even have to take the test because by saturday night i began to notice the early traces of what was by sunday definitely not implantation bleeding. i went through a lot of emotions as my thoughts traveled from "i think i might be pregnant" to "i'm definitely not pregnant." fortunately, despite a bit of depression, none of these feelings were outright sadness. i was mostly glad because as i waited for my ., i realized just how bad the timing would be... i would be about 5 months pregnant when i went out to look for a job (generally, not a draw for future employers). assuming that i could even get a new job, i would only have about 3-4 months of working at full salary before the child comes... so not a lot of savings. additionally, my sister-in-law is 5 months pregnant with her first child, so how would i tell them without feeling like i'm a follower or trying to take some attention for myself. even worse, i would be the follower, so i likely wouldn't get as much ooh-ing and ahh-ing from my folks as i would ideally like (selfish, i know, but at least i'm self aware enough to admit it). so, all told, i was really not excited about the timing, and it really is a good thing that i am not pregnant... yet.

that leads me to some of the less pleasant parts of not being pregnant. the first is that i thought i was. and i know i'm not the first, but it sucks to be wrong. you think you know your body, and here it goes playing tricks on you. the second is that it made me start wondering if i could make babies. i know it's really premature, and i think i've read too many of the infertility blogs, but it seemed like the timing was right in terms of when my . started, so i don't know why we wouldn't have conceived. it's also not the first "close call" we've had. but, as mil wisely advises, it's not just a matter of timing... there are other things at work. i believe i read somewhere that even when the timing is perfect, there's only a 25% chance of conception. so, i should really just chill. and i will... until the next time this happens, of course.

symptom checklist

10. Tender, swollen breasts - check
9. Fatigue - check
8. Implantation bleeding - no
7. Nausea or vomiting - check
6. Increased sensitivity to odors - maybe
5. Food aversions - eh
4. Frequent urination - nothing new there
3. A missed period - waiting
2. Your basal body temperature stays high - huh?
1. The proof: A positive home pregnancy test - waiting on that too (mil is preaching patience... i figure i should give the old . a fighting chance first)

so, yeah, the bottom line is i might be pregnant, i might not. woo-hoo!

I heard that sharing your internal monologue on a blog is a sign of pregnancy.

internal monologue

i'm glad mil and i have this secret little blog of ours... if only for self-indulgent ramblings like this. about a week and a half ago, i began to notice a rumbling in my tummy that wouldn't go away. for a brief moment i thought about how mil and i have been less than religious about birth control in recent months and wondered to myself if this might be the early stirrings of pregnancy. i quickly pushed the thought out of my mind. this is far from the first time i've felt an oddly-placed twinge and imagined it the first quake of parenthood. as the week went by and the rumbling continued, i couldn't quite put the thought to rest. it kept springing back to life.

this week the slight queasiness is joined by an odd taste in my mouth... sort of like the lingering taste of morning breath combined with the slight metallic feeling of having just brushed your teeth. of course i've read enough blogs to know that odd tastes are part of the list of early symptoms of pregnancy, and i've read about the super-sense of smell that develops, and occasionally i'm sure i have that too. but then again, i've read so many of these websites, and as a psychology major, i know the awesome power of suggestion. i can't trust myself. as soon as i firmly believe that i am, in fact, pregnant, i start second-guessing myself. i am still getting cramps... my boobs don't hurt too badly. (but, then again, they usually hurt more at this point in my cycle.) coffee still tastes good. it's all in my mind... as surely as it has been the last five times i've felt this way.

anyway, i'm confused. i feel like i should know myself better than this. lately, whenever i say something like, "i've been really clumsy lately," mil has taken to responding, "i read somewhere that clumsiness is a sign that your pregnant." i've gotten that bad, people. only a day or two till i should get my ., so i guess i shouldn't have to wait too much longer to find out. then i can look forward to the same thing happening next month... yay!