internal monologue

i'm glad mil and i have this secret little blog of ours... if only for self-indulgent ramblings like this. about a week and a half ago, i began to notice a rumbling in my tummy that wouldn't go away. for a brief moment i thought about how mil and i have been less than religious about birth control in recent months and wondered to myself if this might be the early stirrings of pregnancy. i quickly pushed the thought out of my mind. this is far from the first time i've felt an oddly-placed twinge and imagined it the first quake of parenthood. as the week went by and the rumbling continued, i couldn't quite put the thought to rest. it kept springing back to life.

this week the slight queasiness is joined by an odd taste in my mouth... sort of like the lingering taste of morning breath combined with the slight metallic feeling of having just brushed your teeth. of course i've read enough blogs to know that odd tastes are part of the list of early symptoms of pregnancy, and i've read about the super-sense of smell that develops, and occasionally i'm sure i have that too. but then again, i've read so many of these websites, and as a psychology major, i know the awesome power of suggestion. i can't trust myself. as soon as i firmly believe that i am, in fact, pregnant, i start second-guessing myself. i am still getting cramps... my boobs don't hurt too badly. (but, then again, they usually hurt more at this point in my cycle.) coffee still tastes good. it's all in my mind... as surely as it has been the last five times i've felt this way.

anyway, i'm confused. i feel like i should know myself better than this. lately, whenever i say something like, "i've been really clumsy lately," mil has taken to responding, "i read somewhere that clumsiness is a sign that your pregnant." i've gotten that bad, people. only a day or two till i should get my ., so i guess i shouldn't have to wait too much longer to find out. then i can look forward to the same thing happening next month... yay!