Friday, October 05, 2007
meandering
one of the blogs i read pretty regularly recently announced that they have become pregnant with their second child. when i first saw the announcement, my heart sank. i know how selfish that sounds. i was also truly happy for them. just from reading their blog, i know that they are warm, smart, caring parents... just the type any child would be lucky to have. but... i also knew that i would be reading pregnancy posts for the next several months. posts that, while insightful and entertaining, would only remind me how empty my womb currently is. i hate that reminder... whatever form it comes in. and yet i can't hide from pregnancy. i want to find a way to make peace with this journey i've found myself on. i believe that life is in the living, and we can't live for the future... my mom's cancer is a constant reminder of that. i think this means i have to put some time and effort into myself, right now, who and where i am at this moment. mostly that means i need to figure out what to do with my career... i need to be doing something i love, not something that just pays some of the bills.
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2 comments:
Oh, dear. You are such a good and kind person and not selfish AT ALL. I feel the exact same way when I hear a pregnancy announcement. I will even admit to that tug of jealously even when it's a fellow infertile. I am so happy for the person, no matter who they are, and babies are always such a blessing. But it smarts to see others have what I want so desperately. Be kind to yourself. You have been and are going through so much. You do have the right to your feelings. Hugs.
I am SO with you.
I'm at a standstill in my career and since I'm not moving forward in my personal life it's like what the heck? What now? Which way?!?!
Also, I think I've reached a sort of "saturation limit" on pregnancies last month. I've been surrounded by them for so long and been hurt by then that I kind of take them in stride. Sure, they hurt, but they don't sting like they used too. Next week I'll probably change my mind on that one.
I even shopped at Baby Gap on the sale rack today for
future friend's babies." How about THAT for inner strength!?
Anyway, I understand. On a lot of levels.
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