why does it have to hurt so bad

ugh... i know what i'm supposed to feel, but it doesn't seem to help. i just found out that my sister-in-law is pregnant again. i know i should be happy for them, but instead i'm just pissed. i shouldn't be pissed at them -- they didn't know that we've been trying for almost 9 months -- and it's not their fault that they're uber-fertile. it just seems so un-freaking-fair! and, yes, i know life's not fair, and i don't know why this just seems so personal, but it is. it feels like mother nature is slapping me in my face... look, your tall, thin, blonde, sorority sister-in-law can get pregnant while she's breast-feeding, and you can't even turn a line blue with all the gadgets and gizmos babycenter has to offer. i feel like i've taken care of myself my whole life -- i rarely smoked, had very few partners (like i can count 'em on one hand), i've been active and eaten well my entire life... and this is what i have to show for it... 9 months without so much as a missed period.

i know i need to get over this... jealousy doesn't make me feel any better about my chronic failure to conceive. i just have to remember that it ain't all about me... and other people's successes don't have any impact on whether i fail or succeed. and i plan to succeed... and darn it, my success will be cuter (or at least smarter) than theirs... (i'm not petty... no.)

ok, thanks for the vent. mil is off at school today, so i don't have my usual shoulder to cry on... and izzy's shoulder just isn't that big.

the blogger wastelands...

for some reason blogging has been just about the last thing on my mind this summer. getting pregnant has also seemed to take a back seat though it seems to have a more of a backseat driver kind of attitude... nagging me every time i see a pregnant woman walk down the street or get a visit from my niece. we're still trying, and i've not yet reached that ethereal line between fertile and infertile... though i'm getting closer. and i can feel it. i'm trying not to let it get me down. i've called my ob-gyn, and she said that i can start doing the tests, but she still thinks it's likely that i'll get pregnant on my own. for some reason -- even though she had nothing to base that statement on -- it made me feel a little better. i think i'll push the tests off for another month or so... if only because they're expensive, and i'm kind of cheap.

one of the good things that's been occupying my mind is that mil got into medical school (like, the m.d. kind -- yay!). and not only does that mean he's going to be able to write prescriptions in four years, but it also means that i have to figure out where the heck we're going to live. fortunately, the school is in brooklyn, so i don't have to roam too far. but i do have to get my act together and find something before september.

kellie, thanks for the good wishes! i definitely need them. i'm thinking of you ladies as well... it's strange to miss people you only knew online, but we went through a lot of ups and downs together... i'm still trying to find my way to an "up"!

seeing red

yup... my trusty 28-cycle seems to be back... if i were still on my old month-to-month way of thinking, i would be crying failure about now, but i'm not. in fact, i feel blessed that i only had about two days of even being mildly hopeful for this cycle. between the travel, the lack of a/c in our condo, and my wacky temps, it was hard to really "try" this month.

on the other hand, i am beginning to think that my turn toward medication may come sooner than i had initially planned. if we time our dancing well this month, and i still don't see those two blue lines, i think i will call my doctor to see if i can talk to her about clomid. i think there might be something off with my ovulation... but i also know that this has been the most stressful year of my life, so it's possible that my body just wants to wait until the stress is over. if that's the case... it might be a long wait.

anyway, it's been a rough week. my mom's been in and out of the hospital with side effects from her chemo. as difficult as it has been, it makes us very grateful for all the time that she has felt so well so far. we are also trying to figure out how we can make sure that she continues to feel well in the future.

for all my bc friends, i still think of you often. it still takes some resolve not to go check the board to see how everyone's doing... i hope everyone is doing well! maybe i'll stop by for a visit when things slow down around here.

we're back...

whether we like it or not... no, it's good to be home. well, it was good to be home. we were home for about 60 hours before we flew down to houston. we came down for my birthday festivities since this is where all of my family now resides. we're planning a big, tasty mexican dinner for tonight which should be fun. and i get to see my lmsp niece, so that's always a treat!

hawaii was a blast... we managed not to burn too badly, and we saw a lot of ocean life in our short stay... fish, turtles, dolphins, and even an octopus. if you're ever going to kauai, be sure to check out ke'e beach and the kalalau trail. the trail is actually 11 miles each way, and you need a camping permit to go beyond the first two miles, but i would think it's worth it. we only did the first 2 miles, and the views were unmatched... simply gorgeous. also, if you're going to stay a full week (and you need at least that to fully enjoy the island), rent a condo instead of a hotel. it's much less expensive and some condos (like ours) have better views and beaches than the fancy hotels. anyway, enough advice... here are the photos.

in ttc news, i'm not anywhere exciting. i don't even know if i've ovulated this month (though my temp times range from 4:50 am to 10:15am -- this morning -- and traversed 6 time zones). i'm not too disheartened... i don't know why... i just feel like things are going to happen the way that they are meant to happen. i've decided that i'm willing to try meds if necessary, but nothing beyond that. international adoption is a wonderful (if expensive) option if my body fails to make a baby on its own. in the meantime, i'm taking it one day at a time... life is too precious to spend worrying about what will happen next.

itchy

so, in preparation for hawai'i, i went to the local "spa" -- a glorified nail salon -- to get a bikini wax... well, i've learned my lesson. the little woman who spoke about two words of english ("oh, so sorry") filleted my nether regions in a room a little larger than my closet. she didn't bother to put on rubber gloves or sterilize the shears with which she unceremoniously hacked at my little lawn (and a little skin underneath -- ouch!) i'm still recovering... and let me tell you, it's an itchy recovery. i'm not sure what type of "soothing" ointment she put on afterwards, but i'm pretty sure it was not hypoallergenic... hyperallergenic perhaps. eek. fortunately, mil bought me a large bottle of aloe vera gel, so i should be in baby-making shape by the time my ovulation rolls around. in the meantime, i caution all you ladies out there, when you get your bush whacked, make sure it is done by a licensed aesthetician.

it must be working

i actually forgot to take my temp this am... this is a first. i'm thinking it's a sign that i'm chilling-out... a little. h*ll, i should be! i'm going to hawaii on friday! this is where we're staying... i can't wait! don't worry -- i will post pictures when we get back. or if we have wireless, i might post pics while we're there.

relax

that's what i'm trying to do. i'm trying to resist the temptation to check the babycenter board. after two months of checking several times a day, it's hard to get out of the habit. i'm also trying not to think about ttc all the time, but every time i get into a groove where i'm focused on other things, i walk by a pregnant woman or an adorable little kidlet, and it all comes rushing back... how much i want to be a mom... how much i want to see mil as a dad. at least i'm beginning to realize that although it may not happen right away... it will happen one way or another. baby steps, right?

going to see "knocked up" was probably not the best way to get my mind off of it, but it was a fun movie. the guy -- while being a bit of an oaf -- was a sweetheart, and i was impressed that katherine heigl was able to carry all that leggy, blonde gorgeousness and still be funny... and human. i definitely recommend it.

on another topic entirely, mil is graduated... he has a b.a. in biochemistry. pretty cool. today we are heading up to someplace in westchester to celebrate with some of his friends. should be nice...

books, vitamins, and herbs... oy vay!

so, over the course of the last two nights, mil and i have spent $160 on vitamins and herbs to improve my fertility. sick, eh? i bought this book at barnes and noble tuesday night... i discovered that i need to be taking black cohosh, chaste tree, dong quai, nettle, red raspberry, false unicorn root, wild yam, and red clover... mil needs to be taking ashwaganha, burdock root, ginkgo, hawthorn, damiana, and ginseng. on top of that he needs to make sure he's getting plenty of arginine, l-carnitine, selenium, vitamin c, vitamin e, and zinc. i also need to make sure i'm getting plenty of vitamin a, b6, copper, and evening primrose oil. if all this stuff doesn't make us pregnant, i don't know what will.

i'm also taking a break from my favorite babycenter board in order to try to regain my sanity. i know, i know... how do i expect to regain my sanity if i'm spending half of my day taking pills and drops? i'm not really sure how that's going to work, but i'm trying not to think about pregnancy as a month by month thing... where i'm a failure if it doesn't happen this month. instead, i'm thinking of this as an ongoing project... that could happen sooner... or later. either way, i know it will happen eventually.

ugh...

i feel like i've hit a new low in this ttc journey. for the first time since we tried in july, i brought out the hpt. i was only a day late, but i had not been that late in the five months we've been trying. i was pumped... i really thought this was it. i couldn't sleep all night, because i thought i would wake up in the morning to find out i was pregnant. every cramp or gas pain made me wonder if my uterus was making room for baby. of course, at 5:10am the hpt was negative.

i feel like i'm a loser on this ttc journey... six months seems like a loooong time, and i'm starting to lose it. i'm scared that i'm infertile and that i'll never be able to carry mil's baby. i don't want to go through a million procedures to get pregnant. i just want it to happen naturally... normally. it doesn't seem fair that other women get to have it so easy (for some, too easy). i've taken care of my body. i eat well, stay active... i've only smoked on rare occasions and drink in moderation. the # of partners i've had is in the low single-digits. i just always thought this would come easy... that i was meant to be a mother. and here i am, turning 30, having spent the last five months failing to get pregnant...

on a positive note, i have some d*mn cute new shoes.

i've decided

may's a good month. mil is graduating. my mom turned 70. and today, we finally got a little ray of sunshine in my mom's treatment. her tumor markers went down. while it's not conclusive, it does seem to be a good sign that the treatment program she's on is doing some work. we're all grateful for the good news. it seems like we haven't gotten good news from a doctor since her surgery.

it's been especially tough to wait this week. i don't know why... maybe it's that last month was sort of a bust with the fever, so i feel like i deserve to get a positive this month. unfortunately, fate doesn't really work that way, so we also did a lot of bd-ing to hedge our bets. and there's still no telling what will happen this month. gotta love that. in the meantime, i'm still a little crampy -- have been since i o'd. i feel moody, but i'd be pms-ing even if my . comes. tastes seem odd, but i've had that phantom symptom before, so i'm not reading into it. nothing else really. so there we go... a whole lot of nothing.

i'm hoping mil will get some good news this month, so that we can celebrate big time.

month 5

so now i'm a little more than halfway through month 5... last month was a bust. i don't think the fever helped. i had a temp shift, but no other signs of ovulation... not even a real positive opk. this month i went back to having multiple days of opk+, and mil and i baby-danced our little butts off. we also tried this cool stuff called pre-seed -- it's a sperm-friendly lube. boy did i need it.

i'm really hopeful this month, but i know that there's now way to tell until you see that little line on the hpt. i really want to see that line. right now i am waiting to see if my . shows next monday... if that doesn't happen, then i'm on the hpt tuesday or wednesday. i might even jump the gun if my temps go way high. we'll see. keep your virtual fingers crossed.

anyway, just wanted to give an update to the blogosphere. or myself, you know.

month four

so, here we are... halfway through month four. i should be ovulating any day now, but i seem to have contracted tonsillitis or something equally nasty. my temperature shot up to 100+ saturday morning, and hasn't gone back to normal without the help of tylenol. i'm hoping this fever will not scare off my ovulation or we might be skipping straight to month five. (of course these things don't work that way... you have to wade through the rest of month four before you even get to month five.) anyway, i'm not there yet. my temperature after this illness will let me know if i've ovulated or not. in the meantime we're still trying... :)

the wait is over... for now

i saw spots last night, and i knew it wasn't good. as soon as i took my temp this morning, i knew this cycle was over. my temp dropped .5 degrees from the day before. here's my chart at fertility friend. i'm pretty bummed. the fact that it's a cold, grey sunday doesn't really help. i know i'll get over it. hey, it'll give me a chance to play with my new fertility toys (cough medicine, bbt thermometer, and i just ordered some preseed just to make things extra-interesting).

i should be knitting or doing something more productive, but all i can do is go to the bathroom to see if i've moved beyond "spotting" into full-fledged . blah... ttc stinks. i was really hoping the third time would be a charm.

still waiting

i'm 11 dpo (days past ovulation), and i'm bravely waiting for my . to a) come or b) not come. of course i'm hoping for the latter, but all signs are pointing to "maybe." bbs hurt, maybe a little queasy (which means nothing since i get a little queasy before .), a little funny taste in my mouth. the biggest thing that means absolutely nothing but still makes me think something new is happening is my basal body temp is rising. if temp stays high through monday, i might start getting really excited. but there are days to go before that... so in the meantime, i'm going to astrophysicist's 30th bday at a yummy indian restaurant. mm...

stuff

so, i went out and bought a basal body temp thermometer and cough medicine today. i'm preparing myself for another month of ttc just in case. it seems hard to believe that i'll ever see a positive hpt, but i know that three months is far from proof of infertility. so far the only symptoms i've experienced (that could just as easily be because of an impending .) are sore boobs and maybe a funny taste in my mouth... and perhaps the loss of a few brain cells. today my brain failed me about three times... once when i lost my debit card, once when i lost my drivers license (fortunately found shortly thereafter), and once when i hugged mil good-bye as we were about to depart my parents house (together!). great. there better be some hormones causing this b/c otherwise i'm going to have to find an even less intellectual job.

back in the saddle

so, we're trying again. we officially stopped after july... we can't remember why we stopped anymore... i think i thought i might get a really high-paying job that i should focus on for a while before getting pregnant. well, that didn't happen. i'm still working part-time at my old job and part-time with my father. i'm hoping that the latter will lead to a career in real estate, but its still pretty early to tell.

so, in january we figured why not start trying again. so we did. so far, still no dice. this month i actually even tried to figure out when i was ovulating, so we'd have a better chance of concieving. even more... i've started chatting on the babycenter.com message boards. i was just eager to chat with folks who are as bummed as i am that i can't immediately get pregnant. so far, i'm on day 22 of my cycle... i'm hoping my . won't come next week. if it doesn't, i'll test next thursday or friday.

so far there aren't really any symptoms that would lead me to believe i was pregnant... my chest is a little sore, but that doesn't mean anything. i think i have at least learned that you don't know anything until you see your . or a positive pregnancy test. so now i get to wait... yay.

no dice

first try is a wash. ah, well, i'm wondering if it was well-timed to begin with. earlier i mentioned that we would continue trying next month, but now i'm not so sure. there are so many decisions i need to make for myself right now, that bringing a wee one into the picture at this moment could only complicate. i have a hard time imagining starting a brand new career a month pregnant, only to announce it to my new boss two or three months in. i know that there are laws meant to protect pregnant employees, but i still feel like it would cause resentment and hurt my chances of moving up as quickly as i'd like to. i'm not sure... i just need to do some soul-searching and talking to mil...

am i pregnant?

there's a bulletin board over at babycenter with this title, and its the running theme in my subconscious. mil now says: you're pregnant! you're pregnant! and gesticulates toward my midsection on a regular basis. i try to remind him that just because we tried, doesn't mean we've succeeded. he only responds with: well, my guys know how to get the job done. ha! we shall see...

it's gotten really difficult to get anything done these days. i'm just eagerly awaiting saturday when i finally get to test (assuming i'm not interrupted by my .), and it's hard to think of anything else... not a good thing when you have your first job interview on thursday.

i tried to keep company with the banter on the babycenter boards, but within minutes i get dizzy from all of the sparkly, pink names and flower petals showing how far along they are in their pregnancies (or how far along they are in their cycles). i just wanted to hear someone say that sore boobs, a little nausea after eating, and a slightly icky taste in the mouth are proof positive that you are 100% pregnant. no dice, just a lot of (((((HUGS))))) and temperature readings which i have not done. i mean i'm stressed enough about this stuff -- i don't need daily temperature readings to add to my psychosis. i know these boards are not for me, but i'm not sure where else to look for proof that i'm not the only one with her head in her uterus.

19 days and counting

so we're 19 days into my cycle. we haven't officially stopped trying for the month, though there are many times we've looked at one another and said, "what the hell are we thinking?!?!" not only are we still trying for this cycle, we're still determined to try again should this cycle fail. nuts.. i say... we're completely nuts. do other people try to make babies when they're barely paying their bills and looking down the barrel of unemployment? i can't imagine that they do. anyway, i'm trying not to fall into my usual trap of thinking every little weird feeling is some sign that i'm pregnant because i've done that before and i wasn't pregnant and had very little reason to believe that i would be. now i have reason to believe that i would be, and i'm going to act as if i am just in case, but try not to believe that i am until i see two little blue lines... should they decide to appear. there. i've said it, now i just have to believe it.

caution has been thrown to the wind

or should i say the diaphragm has been thrown to the wind? the ttc has begun, and i'm a little scared. and a lot excited. who knows what will happen. last night was the first official "try," and i must say that there is something wild about doing the deed for a purpose other than pleasure. while still quite pleasureable, it's amazing to think that you could be creating a life at the same time. anyway, i thought i would keep my imaginary blog audience updated.