awe

***to my friends dealing with i/f, i have to forewarn you that this post might be painful to read. i want to share this experience with you, but i know you have to protect your own emotions as well.***

i never allowed myself to expect this... and as the months of trying to conceive wore on, i began to believe that it would never happen to me... that maybe i just wasn't meant to get pregnant... i wasn't meant to create life. even after seeing that miraculous positive pregnancy test and the little human-like form moving around on the ultrasound screen, i only let myself believe a little bit. when i'd tell my friends that i was pregnant, it was often couched in conditionals... "if all goes well, we'll have a baby in april." "it seems that we are pregnant, though april is a long way off."

after so much time feeling hesitant and worrying that this might all be in my head... or somehow even after 12 then 14 then 16 then 18 weeks my little millimoosk could be taken from me... after all the fears, i've finally found some peace. i've felt the millimoosk move. s/he bounces about when i'm hungry or when i lie down in bed after a long day... sometimes just sitting at my desk s/he gives me a little tap, and i say "hello, baby!"

i finally really believe that there is a little life inside of me... a little life that will change mine in ways i have no way of conceiving. while i can't say that my worry has melted away entirely (the anatomy scan is wednesday, and we will learn more important information than just whether the millimoosk has a millipeepee), i can say that i finally feel pregnant, and it's nothing short of miraculous.